


Shion

by hailynx



Series: Falling With You [1]
Category: Free!
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Future Fic, M/M, Novel Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-01
Updated: 2013-10-12
Packaged: 2017-12-22 01:22:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 30,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/907223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hailynx/pseuds/hailynx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This time, Haruka falls in love first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Free!.  
> Please do not translate or repost/reupload.  
> Please read series notes for more details.

Haruka receives a call a whole two weeks later and its trouble. This time, effort is not a problem. The raven doesn’t actually think. Instead he rushes to catch the very next train and fidgets during the whole trip. He’s upset at a lot of things, but mainly at the Tachibana family. It’s been two weeks after the fact and _now_ is when they decide to call. It’s true that Haruka was in the middle of finishing his folios, exams and the club’s swimming tournament but what can be more important than Makoto?

 

_Water_ , his mind screams to contradict him, _water._

 

And then Haruka’s left to be upset at himself.

 

It isn’t a pleasant trip; his stomach is doing flips and his heart thudding in his chest. Haruka doesn’t even manage a wink of sleep and it seems to take forever to arrive. But when he gets to Iwatobi Station Haruka is sure that things will pick up. He doesn’t take the bus. He takes a taxi instead, urging the driver to speed up but to no avail. The driver mutters something about a recent accident and that forces Haruka to pull his lips together tightly.

 

Everyone in town knows and they’ve known for two weeks now.

 

The driver goes at a very slow pace and is stopped several times where the roads are being fixed. It is the longest taxi ride Haruka has been on but no matter how much he fidgets, nothing changes. When the driver finally pulls over at the drop off, the raven tosses some notes over and dashes right inside.

 

He finds his way towards the reception desk and when he spots it, he slams his hands on it, scaring the receptionist out of her shell with an unusually loud voice, “Which one is Tachibana Makoto’s room?”

 

She’s a little flustered and doesn’t even type Makoto’s name into the system but eventually gives him the room number. The boy has had a lot of visitors in the last two weeks. Haruka recites the number as he rushes off to the stairs—it’s not too far off and it’s probably quicker than waiting for the elevators. When he spots the door, Makoto’s parents are outside—his mother crying and his father trying his best to comfort her.

 

“You said—isn’t Makoto up now?” Haruka asks as he reaches.

 

“Yes— _yes_ ,” Makoto’s father nods, “But I don’t think—”

 

“I’ll see him then,” Haruka says in return, not listening to the protests.

 

He slides the door open and sees the twins by Makoto’s bedside. They’re crying too, but he concludes that it’s probably tears of joy. It _should_ be. After all, the fool has been in a coma for a whole two weeks and has finally woken.

 

“Makoto.” Haruka says—tone flat, but eyes easily betraying him.

 

The young man on the bed turns to him with a smile—the old, goofy smile and it makes everything _feel_ okay. Ran and Ren have come to a complete stop, their eyes watching carefully, as they try to deal with the hiccups. Makoto just continues to smile like always and Haruka expects to hear his name and an ‘I’m sorry for worrying you’ because that’s just like him.

 

“Yes,” Makoto says instead, “That’s me, but who are you?”

 

And unknown to him, everything in Haruka’s world falls apart.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Free!.  
> This story is also posted on fanfiction.net under the pen name MappingtheSoul.
> 
> I would like to apologise for any medical inaccuracies, I am working on memory of what I've learnt in Psychology only.
> 
>  **Reaching You** is the neutral ending which can be read after this chapter. The link will be posted soon.

When Makoto wakes, he sees a couple by his bedside. His head is throbbing but he pushes himself off the bed anyway. He feels numb and is certain that he has been lying there for far too long. When the couple finally hears the rustling of the sheets, they turn to him and the lady bursts into tears.

 

“Makoto,” she whispers but he can’t really make sense of anything else as she smothers him in a tight and warm embrace.

 

“I’ll go call the doctor,” the man informs and disappears.

 

Makoto is left smothered in her embrace and can’t bring himself to ask her who she is. She is crying out of affection, one that he assumes is meant for him but he isn’t certain of it. He feels his heart constrict and it cracks at the thought of the things that he wants to ask her.

 

“May I have some water?” He asks instead so that he could have some room to breathe.

 

“Of course, of course,” she replies and pulls away reluctantly.

 

She moves towards the bench and pours him a cupful but she never takes her eyes off him. Makoto sculls the water in less than thirty seconds and she continues to look at him hopefully. He contemplates asking for another so that it doesn’t become awkward but there is a knock on the door that saves him. The doctor enters after their approval and Makoto can feel his stomach twisting into tight and uncomfortable knots. How much longer can he hide the fact that he doesn’t know this woman who’s been crying so desperately over him?

 

“Good afternoon,” the doctor in the white coat greets, “I’m Ishikawa, your doctor. I have a few questions for you; do you think you’ll be able to answer them?”

 

He nods with the granted knowledge that he’s in a hospital and Ishikawa-sensei smiles.

 

“Can you tell me what day it is today?”

 

Makoto parts his lips to answer but then closes it again, unsure. It’s a trick question. He isn’t sure how long he’s been out for. The woman panics and the doctor reassures her quietly in the corner of the room so that Makoto doesn’t hear what he has to say. Perhaps letting Makoto in on anything will ruin his attempt at information gathering. It is like how data collection occurs in Psychology from time to time, Makoto thinks. Sometimes it is necessary to use deceit and then the practice of debriefing. Makoto puts a pause to the recollection of knowledge to wonder how he knows—

 

“Can you tell me your name?” The doctor interrupts his train of thoughts.

 

He pauses again, _what had they called me?_

 

“Makoto,” he parrots quietly.

 

The doctor scribbles something and then lifts his head to smile, “Surname?”

 

Makoto’s brows knit together evidently and this time, the couple frowns. They look as though they want to interrupt but they hold back and give no input. Ishikawa-sensei waits patiently with a smile and taps gently on his folder out of habit. Makoto curls his finger underneath the blanket to hide the trembling. He feels hurt just looking at the hopeful expressions that the couple wears but he can’t answer what he doesn’t know.

 

“I…” Makoto’s voice wears thin when he sees the lady flinch, “I—I don’t remember.”

 

“But you remembered your name,” Ishikawa-sensei reasons.

 

Makoto freezes again, feeling guilty as he speaks, “Because that’s what she called me.”

 

He regrets it the moment she bursts into tears again. Perhaps it is the distance that he has put between them or perhaps it is because he said he didn’t remember. Makoto doesn’t ask because he doesn’t know what he can do to make up for it.

 

* * *

 

Ishikawa-sensei says that they’ll have to run a few more tests and goes off to set it up. Before he leaves, he pulls the Tachibana family aside and asks them not to say any more. The tests will be reliant on what Makoto’s know in his current state. Makoto doesn’t have the chance to ask but he can tell from the secrecy that it is probably a serious matter.

 

Taking the chance while they are by the door, Ishikawa-sensei sends the couple home while assuring them that the young man will be well looked after. They head home begrudgingly but the doctor just smiles at them. He tells them that they’ll need to look after themselves so that Makoto will not have to worry. The lady looks as if she wants to say something else but on the doctor’s orders, the two of them are pushed out of the door.

 

“You should probably get some rest,” he says, “And let that headache go.”

 

Makoto blinks, “How did you—”

 

Ishikawa-sensei smiles at him, “I’ll tell you later. But I’ll go on break now and when I get back, we can progress slowly.”

 

Makoto nods as the doctor waves to him and slides the door to a quiet close. When it is peaceful again, he slides back down and remains under the protection of the blanket. The brunet attempts to catch a nap as advised but he really has been resting for too long, that sleep doesn’t come for him. Makoto ends up staring at the plain ceiling without any concrete thoughts until Ishikawa-sensei returns.

 

The doctor gives him a knowing smile, “Guess it’s hard to sleep anymore huh?”

 

He nods politely and sits upright.

 

“Shall we do a simple AMI?” Ishikawa-sensei suggests, “It’ll probably be a good start for the both of us. I’ll be able to determine if we need to take any other kinds of tests.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Ishikawa-sensei raises a brow, “You’re not going to ask?”

 

“Isn’t it your job to debrief me?” Makoto questions in return.

 

The doctor chuckles, “You’re not supposed to answer a question with another.”

 

But he notes down Makoto’s little statement for future reference and then smoothly moves onto explaining the Autobiographical Memory Interview. The patient nods and listens diligently, making the process easier and that allows them to start right away. Ishikawa-sensei asks for honesty right from the get go and does not proceed until Makoto has promised. He has faith that the young man’s personality hasn’t changed but he doesn’t say it directly.

 

They end where they start but Ishikawa-sensei continues to grin. Makoto returns the gesture but they both know that it has been rather unfruitful examination. Makoto can tell that he’ll need to do a few other tests just from the way that he had been answering the questions.

 

“We’ll probably benefit from a few scans,” Ishikawa-sensei informs, “You think you’re up to it?”

 

“Yeah,” Makoto nods. Now that he’s been informed that he is of legal age he knows that the decisions rests on him. “That’s fine.”

 

The doctor leaves all of the medical requests at that. He has Makoto’s dinner delivered and before he makes his exit, he tells the patient that his family will definitely be back tomorrow. Before they see him though, Ishikawa-sensei tells Makoto that he intends to inform them of the information that he has gathered. Makoto thanks him for that sincerely, because he’s sure that he can do without the crying and the headache.

 

* * *

 

When morning comes, Makoto is left with the couple, whom Ishikawa crowns as his parents. The guilt kicks him again and he apologises sincerely. Although he can do without the tears, they come and he accepts it without a word.

 

“I’m sorry, okaa-san, otou-san.”

 

His mother wipes her tears away and tries for a smile. She’s probably glad that he’s calling her ‘mother’ again and she knows that’s the best that it will be until they obtain more information. She comes a little closer and sits down on the edge of his bed and begins to fill him in on the information that Ishikawa-sensei has encouraged her to.

 

He catches up on a lot and it’s almost overwhelming but there’s no throbbing that occurs so he carries on listening. A lot of what his mother says about their family sticks but he misses some other details as he tries desperately to commit everything to memory. Makoto realises that he’s missing a lot from what they’re calling childhood. But then she asks if he remembers anything recently and Makoto doesn’t have an answer.

 

“So… I wasn’t living here?” He questions, confused.

 

“Well, you haven’t moved out completely,” she tells him with a strained smile, “You attend university in Tokyo and you were on your way back for an internship. Oh, right.”

 

She pulls a bag from underneath his bed and sets it gently on his bed, telling him that he was carrying it during the accident. Makoto flips through the items and finds a few pens and books, his timetable, a recommendation letter and his phone. There may have been a few lost items because the bag is trashed but Makoto can’t tell if anything is missing. None of the items look familiar.

 

“Was I studying Psychology?” He asks upon seeing the mess of notes inside a revision book.

 

He isn’t even certain that it is his handwriting.

 

“I believe you told me it was an elective,” she says in return, the smile faltering, “You’re on your way to becoming a Veterinarian, Makoto.”

 

“I see,” Makoto replies and goes on to _assume_ that he likes animals.

 

He doesn’t want to ask what he can attempt to figure out. It hurts to see the pain that flashes on his mother’s cheeks whenever he asks her to tell him something that he is supposed to know. So instead, he has learnt to smile whenever she gives him cues and he takes the information on board until she fondly contradicts him.

 

At mid-day, Ishikawa-sensei pops by to tell him that they’ve set him up for a scan. His mother is encouraged to go and have lunch. By the time he gets back to his own room, drained with all the instructions that he has been given, his father is back in his mother’s place. Makoto’s father informs him that the twins will be coming after their classes.

 

More confusion colours his face and his mother frowns as she enters but she starts again. There is a bit of conflict between them when it comes to the twins. Both Makoto and his parents are unsure of whether they should pretend that he remembers. They discuss it for thirty minutes but don’t make a decision until the twins step inside.

 

At the moment that he sees them, Makoto knows that he cannot lie—not when they’re panting as they look at him and expecting honesty. He whispers another soft apology to his mother and she lowers her head, tears dripping again. The twins lunge at him, gutting his stomach with their knees but Makoto doesn’t complain because despite the pain, they’re crying ‘Onii-chan’ and proving him with immense warmth.

 

Makoto raises his arms and pats them both on the back as a wry smile forms on his lips. He isn’t sure if it’s instinct but it doesn’t feel as wrong as what he is about to say. His father gives him a few gestures and a strained smile as he ushers the three’s mother outside.

 

“Hey,” he says gently, “You two… are Ran and Ren, right?”

 

The twins pull away slowly, registering the words and allowing the distance to sink in. They’re really big in comparison to what he has imagined. Perhaps it is the descriptions that he has been given but Makoto has been completely misled. All his mother has said is that he adores them and spoils them but nothing about how big and grown up they are. However, even if they appear to be grown up, it doesn’t make what he has to say any easier.

 

“Onii-chan?” Ren tilts his head.

 

“Don’t freak out, okay?” Makoto asks, knowing that it’s pointless but best put forth.

 

To his surprise, the twins listen and don’t freak out. Instead, they just freeze like an old game’s loading screen. Makoto waits for them relax but they never do. When he finally sighs, willing himself to speak so that it’ll be a temporary hurt, Ran bursts into tears and Ren follows in suit. He waits a while longer without words but continues to pat them gently.

 

Minutes later, Ren is attempting to dry his eyes furiously while Ran is still dribbling all over her shirt, “Did you really forget about us?”

 

Makoto sighs soundlessly as he continues to rub their backs and allowing them to cry their hearts out. The brunet wants to cry himself, but he holds the tears back because he’s the older one.

 

* * *

 

Makoto ends up having another visitor that he hasn’t been informed of. Thus, he is unsure of how to deal with the person whom has rushed into his room and has stopped the twins from crying.

 

“Makoto.”

 

The twins have stopped completely, only holding their breaths now to stop the hiccups. They stare blankly, hoping that their brother will remember Haru-chan at the very least. Makoto looks at his siblings and then fondly at the intruder. He isn’t sure what he’s supposed to say to this person. Makoto has been told of who he is, but he isn’t so sure that he is the person the raven is looking for.

 

So he says, “Yes, that’s me, but who are you?”

 

There is a silence that draws out between them after his words. Haruka is frozen in shock, his expression blank and the twins still desperately hoping that it’s a joke. Ran looks between her brother and his best friend for a moment and decides that a cue could probably help. Haruka doesn’t nudge, still behind on the turn of events. He is the one who has rushed in, so technically the shock is his fault alone.

 

Only now does he register the Tachibanas trying to stop him. And after a few more seconds, he remembers that he hadn’t listened to everything that they had to say when they had called him. All he heard was that Makoto has finally woken and is well—as well as can be for someone who has been in a coma for two whole weeks at least.

 

“Haru-chan,” Ran says.

 

Minutes later, he catches Ran saying his name and he looks at her. She gives him a hopeful smile and they wait for Makoto who stirs on his bed. Haruka watches him carefully, hoping that Makoto will laugh and apologise for pulling such a sick joke. Maybe he’s upset, Haruka thinks as he waits. The twins finally stop hiccupping and Makoto is smiling again. It’s the same smile that has often comforted but Haruka fears it more than ever. It seems like the longest time passes, as if Makoto is trying to find his voice and then—

 

“Are you alright, Nanase-san?”

 

At least, he hadn’t said ‘Haru-chan-san’, Haruka thinks and is about to sigh—

 

“What?” Haruka blurts out when he catches up because it burns more than he can bear.

 

“I read your name tag,” Makoto explains, “Or is that wrong?”

 

Haruka freezes again while Ren gasps and Ran drops her head. In the back of Haruka’s mind, he curses the nametag that sits on his breast pocket. He should have taken it off but in his rush, he had not thought about it. Now that he is reminded of it, he realises that he had run off on the exhibition without a word to anybody there.

 

However, that is something that he will deal with later. Right now, there is a burn and Haruka can’t pinpoint where the pain comes from. His concentration isn’t even properly focused. All he hears is the clattering of the table, the creaking of the bed and a loud snap. Makoto winces as he unintentionally rips the IV drip’s needle from his hand but it doesn’t stop him from going to Haruka.

 

Makoto is steady on his feet, now a whole head taller than Haruka as he peers down on the raven. Haruka isn’t sure what it is that Makoto sees but he is frowning deep enough to leave creases. Makoto brushes his palm across Haruka’s cheeks and panics internally, wondering how many more he can hurt in the span of a few days. Although he doesn’t recognise the person before him, he feels as though he should have known that like his mother, anyone will be hurt when they are not remembered.

 

“Don’t be upset,” he whispers with a broken voice, “Don’t cry.”

 

But it isn’t Haruka’s vision that blurs. As usual, it is Makoto who looks like he’s in more pain than those around him. Haruka sighs as he takes one step back so that he can clearly see his friend.

 

“You’re the one that’s going to cry,” the raven states blankly but then slowly reaches out to ruffle Makoto’s hair, “It’ll be okay… things will work out.”

 

Haruka plays poker on his cheeks, unsure if he believes his own words but at the very least, the twins have found comfort in his words. Aside from that, Makoto’s complexion brightens at the encouragement and neither of them questions the calm that has washed over him because of Haruka’s few words.

 

* * *

 

A little later, Ishikawa-sensei returns to interrupt the reunion. Although annoyed, Haruka doesn’t say anything. He just stares at the doctor as he forces everyone out of the room, saying that visiting hours are over. The raven is a little irritated that his visit has been cut short but he knows that there are other things he can do. Sinking himself into a bath will be good as water has always been healing.

 

“I’ll… come back tomorrow,” Haruka says and when Makoto looks at him blankly, he makes it a request, “If that’s alright with you.”

 

Makoto smiles again after that, not because he wanted Haruka to ask for permission but because he feels better, seeing that Haruka isn’t doing it out of obligation.

 

“Then, have a good night, Nanase-san.”

 

Makoto offers well wishes as his guest stands by the door. He feels like the raven flinches but Haruka is gone by the time he parts his lips to bring it up. The twins proceed to smother him with goodnight kisses. His mother gives him a warm hug and his father pats his head gently as they pull away. Makoto smiles at them to assure them that he’ll be here tomorrow but they still leave with frowns.

 

“Is there something that you wanted to say, sensei?” Makoto questions when it is silent.

 

The doctor continues to linger even though everyone is gone.

 

“Oh?” Ishikawa-sensei chuckles, “Well, the results aren’t back yet so I can’t say much.”

 

“But there is something that you want to say,” Makoto reasons although he feels as though there isn’t a basis for his words.

 

The doctor hums almost playfully.

 

“Okay,” he says, “I’ll ask you directly.”

 

Makoto swallows, feeling queasy on the inside. Although their encounters have been brief, he feels as if Ishikawa-sensei can read him easily and knows a lot more than he’s letting on. Perhaps there are things that his parents have told the doctor that they have yet to tell him. The brunet cannot be sure but he curls his fingers under the blanket again, nervous and a little irritated. He knows that he’s still catching up but he’s not that slow.

 

It seems as if Ishikawa-sensei likes to draw things out and make people wait with butterflies roaming. Minutes pass by in silence as he sits and observes Makoto. Annoyed, Makoto does a countdown mentally and intends to pull his gaze away, but that’s when Ishikawa-sensei speaks.

 

“Do you _want_ to remember?”

 

Makoto blinks several times. It’s a simple question and he can easily offer an answer, “Of co—”

 

“Think about it properly and then give me an answer,” Ishikawa-sensei interjects and then waves off the seriousness with an airy smile, “But don’t lose sleep over it.”

 

* * *

_Nanase-san._

 

Haruka heaves a sigh as he lowers himself into the bathtub. Water is healing, he thinks as he sinks, but Makoto’s distant voice still echoes. The raven cannot bring himself to be openly upset even though Makoto has completely broken his expectations. After all, Haruka is the one who had said that he wanted to be called by his family name.

 

 _Not like this_ , his mind mocks.

 

And it’s true. Haruka didn’t think that it will sound like it has. He had been so shocked that the retort still remains stuck in his throat. There is a distance that Makoto has unknowingly put between them. Haruka knows that the brunet has forgotten and is not to be blamed but the way that Makoto has managed that warm smile still hurts. And the thought of being forgotten continues to rattle on Haruka’s mind, leaving him unsettled.

 

_Nanase-san._

 

Haruka sinks a little deeper as Makoto’s voice continues to echo. He doesn’t want to think about it, but it isn’t so simple. The water is refusing to co-operate and Haruka is too irritated to compromise. The amount of conflict that he is faced with is unexpected and straining. A large part of the conflict is the fact that Haruka does not know what it is that he wants.

 

The situation seems like a perfect solution. He feels like he has been freed of Makoto’s mothering nature and Makoto is now freed of the unnecessary worry that Haruka continues to cause. However, there are years of memories between them that Haruka cannot bring himself to let go. Although he would never openly admit it, he knows just how close to heart their memories are.

 

Makoto has always been special in a way that Haruka cannot explain. He is aware of the things that he has tolerated and the things that he has allowed to slip by, but that doesn’t explain anything. Over time, everything has become a part of the routine and Haruka has given up trying to reason why Makoto is the one that slips pass the barriers.

 

However, the situation he is faced with, forces him to think. Haruka is the one who will make the choice regarding Makoto. If Haruka doesn’t try, there is no guarantee that the current Makoto will. Haruka knows how difficult it will be to try for someone that he doesn’t know or worse, someone who doesn’t know him. To top it off, Haruka feels completely helpless. Although nothing has been said or confirmed, it feels he’s losing the race even before he’s started.

 

 _Haru_.

 

The raven throws a glare at the blank ceiling and his lips purse. Perhaps he has always been running the race and he just didn’t notice. Heaving a sigh, he closes his eyes and submerges, thinking of the last time he saw Makoto before he lost his memories.

 

Haruka can feel the trains rattling on the tracks and the boom gates flashing. He can hear Makoto’s gentle voice and the vibration of the phone in his pocket. He doesn’t pick up the phone because he knows that there’s something that Makoto wants to say, but there is an announcement and the brunet smiles at him and says;

 

_I’ll tell you later._

 

Instead of leaving as he had done on the day, Haruka stands his ground and waits. But as the events play out, Makoto slips onto the train with a bright smile and an energetic wave. Haruka is staring at him now, words stuck in his throat but his shadow is already gone, back to where the water is.

 

And as he stands there now, he is left to wonder if later still applies.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Free!.  
> This story is also posted on fanfiction.net under the pen name MappingtheSoul.
> 
> Erm, I'm sorry for many things about this chapter but yeah, here it is. (:

A week after he wakes, Ishikawa-sensei sends him home. They’ve done enough tests to determine that nothing else is wrong. His memory will probably return over time, but even if it doesn’t, he can resume his normal routine. Ishikawa-sensei refers to it as retrograde amnesia, whereby he has lost the most of his autobiographical memories prior to the accident. It has been confirmed that his episodic memories are the ones that are most affected. The other types of memories remain intact but could prove to be missing should Makoto encounter a situation where he cannot remember.

 

Other than that, the doctor states that home is probably the best place to be. There should be a lot of significant cues, Ishikawa-sensei concludes, and it will be a good place for Makoto to start, if he wishes to retrieve his memories. The word ‘wishes’, he uses exclusively with the brunet so that he doesn’t worry the other Tachibanas.

 

It’s a little odd, but Makoto doesn’t mention it to his parents. The doctor’s question lingers on his mind and he has not tried to answer it since. Instead, after his departure from the hospital, he makes some effort because without really searching, he probably will not find the right answer. He takes time out to walk with his siblings and then often goes exploring on his own but still, nothing significant comes to mind. It has helped him memorised the layout of town but has done no more.

 

However, after today, Makoto probably won’t have any time to actively keep exploring and search for his memories. He has negotiated a few changes to his internship so that they he can make up for lost time. He is thankful that they have been kind, but he still wants to work harder, just in case his lost the memories are needed for his work.

 

In the other spare time that he makes for himself, Makoto goes over his notes thoroughly. After a few readings, he feels fairly confident that the abilities required of him will come easily after he has practiced— _again_ , as the notes suggest. It’s not concrete though, so he goes through his day repeating all of the information. That works out relatively well until Makoto realises that the type of information he is trying to retain is not autobiographical. And then it does not feel like an improvement at all.

 

He wonders if all this information is eating up space and making it more difficult to store other kinds but there is no answer. Memory and the functioning of the brain is still a mystery to medical science, Makoto concludes after futile attempts at obtaining any concrete knowledge about _his_ condition. He hasn’t exactly given up but has come to understand that perhaps going with the flow is the easiest thing to do.

 

Heaving a sigh, Makoto folds his book to a close. He stands and stretches his arms out and then swipes the flower off his desk and makes his way down the stairs. He knows that he cannot keep sitting and reading and so has made some effort into mixing up his routine and trying his best to do the things that he has been told that he normally does. The wooden staircase creaks in protest under his feet and draws his mother’s attention.

 

“Makoto?” She calls from the kitchen.

 

“I’m just going to change the offering,” Makoto informs her, “I’ll be careful.”

 

“Okay,” replies his mother, less agitated now that she knows where he is off to.

 

It’s paranoia that even Makoto understands. Sometimes, he just sees transport and he feels a little queasy, although he cannot remember and none of his family members have divulged into any detail. They don’t like talking about it and he has stopped trying to get them to. And without reason to upset them, Makoto hasn’t done any research in that area either, making effort not to read any papers or doing any internet searches for the accident. He feels that it is something that is more traumatic for them than him and has chosen to keep away.

 

Makoto doesn’t go very far. The front yard is still a relatively safe place. There’s a small stone planted on the side with in front of it a jar. The brunet refills the small jar with some fresh water and replaces the old purple flower with a champagne one. He sets the jar back down and then presses his palms together and recites a few words mentally.

 

As he opens his eyes, the sunlight that has been sitting above him disappears and there is a large shadow looming over him instead. When he looks up, a set of three individuals are hovering over him. He recognises Haruka whom he has recently become reacquainted with but two others who are pretty much foreign. Nonetheless, they smile warmly at him.

 

“Mako-chan!”

 

Makoto finds himself smiling back to the one who calls him and he realises once again, that smiles really are contagious. He has no reason to smile, but the blonde is so bright that he cannot help himself. Surprisingly, the smile makes everything feel inviting as warmth spreads through his chest and allows him to feel at ease.

 

“Good afternoon,” he replies.

 

The blonde exclaims, “Sorry that we’re late!”

 

Makoto thinks that it’s only noon but he doesn’t actually comment on it. He can do without the hurt, he thinks as he turns to face the blonde properly. Next to him is a slightly lankier young man wearing glasses. Makoto stares for a long while but neither of their names comes to mind. The exception is Haruka whom he gives a small smile.

 

“Mako-chan,” the blonde says, tone a little flatter than before, “You really don’t remember us?”

 

“Nagisa-kun,” the one wearing glasses next to him reprimands, “You shouldn’t—”

 

“Ah, it’s fine,” Makoto interrupts, “I’m sorry. I really don’t remember, but if you could remind me.”

 

Makoto hopes that this approach will be better than what he had done before. Now that he thinks about his previous method, Haruka’s frown and his crying family surfaces to haunt him. There is a moment of internal panic as his heart quickens and thuds loudly next to his ears. It takes a brief second for him to recall Ishikawa-sensei’s advice but when he does, he practices the breathing exercise to tell his body that nothing is wrong. Once he has calmed, he puts the smile back onto his face while desperately trying not to upset anyone else around him. He hopes that this direct approach will work better than the blunt questioning that he had done previously.

 

“Oh,” the blonde mouths, “I’m Hazuki Nagisa and this is Ryuugazaki Rei-chan.”

 

Rei clears his throat but doesn’t protest. He believes that it is better not to confuse Makoto anymore but it’s not like the brunet will be calling him ‘Rei-chan’ anyway. Makoto has always referred to him as ‘Rei’. There is no questioning it. They have fallen into a routine and personally, Rei feels that they are now close enough to go by first name basis.

 

“Ah, so it’s Hazuki-san and Ryuugazaki-san,” Makoto says with a smile, failing to notice his mistake that imprints a frown on Nagisa’s cheeks.

 

Rei frowns too, but not because he is particularly sad at the distance. He understands that Makoto is currently clueless as to their relations. He just fears that Nagisa will be Nagisa and that may be a little too overwhelming. In attempt to tone down the blonde’s hyperactivity, Rei points out Nagisa’s flaw softly. The blonde has not provided enough information to indicate how close they are.

 

“Oh!” Nagisa perks up instantly upon the realisation, “I forgot to say, we were in the Swimming Club back in school, so you don’t have to be so distant, Mako-chan!”

 

And it is only now that Makoto realises the little nickname that he has been given. He doesn’t mind it but it makes him wonder just how close they are supposed to be. The way that his mind ponders, have started to scare him because he doesn’t know _who_ it is that he doesn’t trust. Nagisa seems very comfortable being around him and Rei hasn’t said much but he doesn’t seem like a threat. Still, he isn’t sure how he should address the two of them.

 

“Just call us as you did before,” Nagisa says at the brunet’s puzzled expression, “I’m Nagisa.”

 

“Rei is fine for me,” Rei adds, “It would feel weird if you started using my surname all of a sudden, sempai.”

 

The brunet smiles but Nagisa seems to pick up on the awkward and uncomfortable undertone that he trying to hide. Puffing his cheeks up and placing his hands on his hips, Nagisa closes in, one step at a time with a menacing smile on his lips. Makoto cannot run away even if he wants to. Before he knows it, he has been cornered. Neither Rei nor Haruka offer to help. In fact, the two of them have turned to face different directions. It’s almost as if there is a mutual understanding between them that Nagisa is unstoppable.

 

“Repeat after me, Mako-chan,” he says slowly, “Na-gi-sa.”

 

Hesitatingly, the brunet repeats, another forced smile on his features but this time, he makes sure to do it well, “Nagisa… and Rei.”

 

“Easy, right?” The smile resurfaces on Nagisa’s cheeks.

 

Makoto nods, “Uh… y-yeah.”

 

After fixing the way that he addresses them, both Rei and Nagisa beam endlessly. For the first time since he had woken, Makoto feels that he is finally doing the right thing. He makes a mental note to keep at it. However, there are other worrying things. The main one is the fact that he doesn’t know how he will fair should they wish to talk about memories.

 

“Why don’t you come in?” Makoto asks, seeing the sky turn grey, “Nanase-san, you as well.”

 

Haruka just stares as if he is used to it. Nagisa and Rei have their smile frozen in place until it registers. There is a loud exclamation that comes from Nagisa, but upon receiving a glare from Haruka and Rei, he reflexively closes his mouth again. However, as per usual, it doesn’t take long for Nagisa to end up making a big deal out of the problem. He stands tall and confident as he glares at his seniors.

 

“Shouldn’t it be Haru-chan?” Nagisa demands for an answer from Makoto and then Haruka, “Why didn’t you correct him?”

 

Makoto exchanges glances with Rei, whom seems to be the one that will most likely provide him with answers but with the other two standing around, they don’t get much conversing done. Makoto isn’t sure why he even thinks eye communication alone will work but it is worth a try. Haruka doesn’t say anything although Nagisa continues to nag and it leaves Makoto surprised because he thinks that the blonde is pretty persistent. From the way that Haruka is acting, it seems like he is the only one who will not give into the blonde.

 

“Nagisa…?” Makoto calls hopefully.

 

Haruka shifts uncomfortably by Makoto, but he is busy trying to rectify the situation with the blonde so he doesn’t notice. Although Haruka doesn’t say a word, Rei sees the way he shuffles his feet ever so slightly and heaves a soundless sigh. Rei’s gaze flutters from Makoto to Haruka but he keeps his lips sealed. Unlike Makoto, the raven is firm on the things that he does not wish to talk about and there’s no persuading him.

 

“But you’re calling me Nagisa and Rei-chan, Rei!” Nagisa argues, “Shouldn’t it be the same for Haru-chan too?”

 

Heaving an internal sigh, the brunet looks over to Haruka and hopes that he will grant Makoto the permission to use his first name. Makoto has been thinking about it, but Haruka has failed to give any input as to what he wishes to be called. Even now, the raven remains stoic as always, not batting an eyelid and coolly ignoring the intense gaze. Haruka continues to look ahead, possibly pass Nagisa as well, but at least he is in on the conversation.

 

“It’s fine,” he says dismissing the whole issue, “We better go in. Your mother’s waiting, isn’t she?”

 

Reluctantly, Nagisa gives but doesn’t fail to put a pout on his cheeks. The first thing that Makoto does is call out to his mother, telling her that they have guests. The three take off their shoes at the genkan and make their way up to Makoto’s room without him. The brunet takes a detour into the kitchen to bring a few snacks and something for them to drink.

 

“I heard Nagisa and Rei,” his mother says, “Was Haru-kun with them?”

 

“Yeah,” Makoto nods, setting the cups onto the tray, “Would you like me to pick up the twins?”

 

“No, they’ll be fine. Your father will pick them up on his way home.” She replies, “Spend some time with your friends instead.”

 

Makoto nods and then tells her to call him should she need anything as he makes his way up the stairs. She gives him an affirmative nod but he has a feeling that she will not. Makoto hoists the tray on his arm and with his free hand, opens the door. The other three are sitting but they don’t look comfortable at all. He thinks that it may be his fault for being distant but he can’t bring himself to say anything because he doesn’t know how.

 

“Tea or juice?”

 

The three of them settle for juice and Makoto takes tea. He secures the cap tightly while allowing Nagisa to carry the conversation. The blonde doesn’t bring up the issues of names again, although he looks like he wants to pursue it. Makoto isn’t sure what happened while he was gone because the bright Nagisa that he saw, asks in a surprisingly meekly manner when it comes to the issue of his memory.

 

“Nothing yet,” Makoto says, “But the doctor said it’s a matter of time.”

 

Haruka eyes him from the corner of his eyes as he sips on the juice. Makoto feels the lingering gaze but he ignores it so that he isn’t caught on his lie. Rei continues to tread lightly while Nagisa grows comfortable over time. It’s evident in the way his questions change. It feels more like the presentation that Nagisa has—hyper, energetic, and happy and two biscuits in each hand now.

 

“We should go swimming!” Nagisa suggests vibrantly and this time, bright enough to leave the ocean and isolated islands out of it. “It’d be fun, right?”

 

However, no matter what it is that Nagisa has omitted, Haruka still flinches. And only when he shifts in his seat are they reminded that he is still there. Noticing the discomfort this time, Makoto reaches over to refill the cup so that he can redirect his attention gently.

 

“Should we not?” He whispers gently.

 

Haruka stares at him, expression still blank but his insides churn slowly before the waves come crashing into shore. The things that go through Makoto’s mind are fuzzy and poorly organised. Haruka cannot pinpoint what it is that Makoto is assuming but it scares him. Lately, he has been wondering if the misplaced memories are for the best but then he thinks of the lost essence in a Makoto that isn’t afraid of water and he panics. It isn’t as soothing as he has often expected it to be. In fact, it feels as if something is missing.

 

“Is there a free day in your schedule?” Haruka asks instead, eyes locked onto Makoto’s.

 

Haruka is looking for something but evidently, it is not there. Makoto brings up a mental picture of his calendar and reorganises a few things in his mind. Saturday seems to be the best option and he tells them so. Rei and Nagisa seem to do a little shifting of their own before they settle on it. Haruka nods along, providing his consent while saying that he will make it back in time.

 

“Are you going somewhere, Haruka-sempai?” says Rei.

 

The raven nods, “There are some things to sort out with university.”

 

“The same university as mine, right?” Makoto asks to confirm.

 

Haruka repeats the previous gesture and Makoto smiles. At least he’s remembering the things that he has been told. If he has lost that ability too, it will be difficult to try and retain any relationships that he has. After sorting out the date, Nagisa begins planning—an extravagant kind of plan—and he gets so hyped up that everyone joins in just as energetically, one after another.

 

They end up staying for dinner too. Ran and Ren are more than excited to have guests, probably both happy and thankful for the extra company. The guests are the ones sharing stories over the dinner table and it makes the twins jolly and hopeful. Although it doesn’t ring any bells for Makoto, he enjoys the happiness that spreads across their faces and is having a relatively good time committing the spoken events to memory.

 

“Don’t wash them,” Makoto says to his mother as he sets the last pile of dishes down, “I’ll do them after I walk Nagisa and Rei to the station.”

 

She doesn’t look at him.

 

“I’ll be fine,” he assures her with a gentle squeeze on the shoulder, “Nanase-san is coming with us.”

 

“Okay,” she replies with a little hitch in her voice, “Be careful.”

 

He nods, gives her a hug and walks back towards the genkan. The three say their goodbyes and thanks again as Makoto slips into his shoes. The walk is rather short but it allows the three of them to go through the plan again and confirm the date. The fact that Nagisa is energetic and always happy is validated when he waves from inside the train. Makoto swears that Nagisa almost tilts the train with his erratic jumps but just chuckles instead of commenting. He feels that if Rei is with him, everything will be okay.

 

The rest of the walk back is filled with moments of awkward silences. None of them say anything that provides room for a long conversation. Haruka is desperate to keep it as it always has been and Makoto feels as though it’s just safer to keep his lips sealed. Although he cannot be certain, he feels as if Haruka is particularly delicate in this matter. Words are extremely powerful and Makoto has not been able to use them to comfort Haruka at all. Instead, the things that slip from his lips have only managed to leave temporary marks of distress.

 

From the station, the sidewalk is parallel to the beach. Haruka walks in front, eyes glancing at the water every now and then. The raven’s attention flickers from the ocean to something other—the other Makoto is unable pinpoint. But he notices the longing look in Haruka’s exceptionally beautiful sapphire eyes. They seem to speak louder than the raven’s voice. The wish to merge with the water that comes in the same shade comes across clear as day.

 

The two end up with at a stalemate when they reach Makoto’s home. Haruka stops and turns to his best friend as the silence continue to fill the air. Makoto meets the raven’s gaze but he doesn’t know what to say. There are so many things running through his mind, mainly the different apologies that he can offer but decides against it. They’re pointless at this moment. Haruka waits a while longer but the mind reading that he expects slips away in silence.

 

“Did you forget something?” Makoto questions instead to get a conversation going.

 

“No,” the raven replies, “You can head on inside, I’ll be fine on my own.”

 

The brunet hesitates for a moment. He’s not sure what to do in this situation and his search for the norm is futile. Nothing comes to mind and Haruka does not co-operate to make it any easier. Perhaps he wants Makoto to remember on his own or perhaps he doesn’t want the memories to return at all. He cannot tell but there is a feeling deep inside him telling him that he _should_ be able to. Makoto feels like something similar to hope flickers across those blue gems but as it has been for the last week, there is no effort from the raven to confirm it for him.

 

“It’s alright,” he assures, “I’ll walk you since it’s not too far.”

 

Haruka shrugs his shoulders but does to reject the offer. From the reaction that he has obtained, the brunet assumes that he’s made the right choice. They speak little on the way up the stairs and when that one ends, the brunet has confirmed the date in which Haruka will be leaving for Tokyo. Shortly after, they meet another set of stairs. This time, they only advance halfway up to the shrine before they make a turn to the raven’s home. Before they know it, their steps have taken them to the front door.

 

“Sleep well,” Makoto says, “And have a safe trip tomorrow.”

 

Haruka nods. “Thank you… and thank your parents for me as well.”

 

“Okay,” the brunet replies.

 

It probably isn’t necessary since Haruka has done so already, alongside Rei and Nagisa but he promises anyway and sends Haruka inside with a warm smile. The raven looks back once and Makoto tilts his head with anticipation. However, Haruka just shakes his head and disappears into the house. Makoto lingers by the door for a short moment feeling as if Haruka will return but the steps only continue to disappear deeper into the house.

 

Once there is silence, the brunet turns his heel and heads back down the shrine’s set of stairs. Suddenly, Makoto’s phone rings from within his pocket. Surprisingly enough, when he looks at the caller ID, it is not his mother, but another contact, one that he is assuming is a friend from Tokyo. If the caller lives in Iwatobi, he is sure that he would have been visited. The brunet doesn’t pick up until the third ring, when he has finally figured out what it is that he will say.

 

_Finally!_

 

At the tone, Makoto seals his lips, not even allowing a squeaky greeting to escape.

 

_Tachibana, you forgot about me, didn’t you?_

 

A sigh is followed by more accusations. The tone is fond, despite it all.

 

_You did, didn’t you? Having the time of your life I bet, after your successful confession! You should have_ thanked _me. But you were probably enjoying yourself and forgot about me!_

 

Makoto doesn’t argue about forgetting. Everything else that’s said is a blur—a complete blur—and he’s even more confused now than when he first woke. This confession that the person on the line is speaking of is completely new to him. Makoto feels slightly queasy on the inside because the feelings that he had carried in this confession are gone—if the words can be trusted, that is.

 

_Oi, Tachibana?_

 

“I’m here,” finally he speaks, “Um, I’m sorry for forgetting.”

 

_Of course you are!_

 

“Um… not like that,” Makoto scratches his cheeks, “There was an accident. I’m currently suffering from amnesia.”

 

A pause sits between the line and then there is a laugh.

 

_That’s not funny, Tachibana. I don’t care how much bliss you’re in—_

 

“Really,” Makoto cuts him off, “I wouldn’t joke about this, right?”

 

His question is filled with uncertainty and that’s because he doesn’t know if he’s the type to joke about such a serious matter—not that he is doing it at the moment. Makoto waits out the silence. He has gotten a lot of those lately and has accepted it as the norm. His assumed friend on the line heaves another sigh, this time seemingly more frustrated than fond.

 

_You’re not kidding… that—what happened?_

 

“There was an accident with the bus I was on… _apparently_.”

 

Makoto provides the information gently but when it comes to his memory, there is still some hesitation. He is both unsure of himself and the people around him. They could very well be feeding him all the wrong information, is the thought that’s always lingering in the back of his mind. It’s an awful feeling, not being able to trust but Makoto cannot help feeling wary.

_You alright…? Like with everything—the internship too._

 

Makoto explains that everything is okay in that aspect. He tells his friend that he is working to retrieve his memories too, but currently has no context to what his friend is saying. This draws out a laugh and they introduce themselves again. Makoto continues down the stairs with his friend telling him to call when he returns to Tokyo, just in case the memories haven’t returned.

 

He nods in consent although he cannot be seen. He debates taking his friend up on the offer to ask questions, but in the end he holds his silence. The idea of trust kicks him in the backside and Makoto bites his lips in frustration. There is another pause before an aggravated groan stops the brunet in his tracks.

 

_Argh, now I can’t even tease you!_

 

“About?” Makoto pries gently.

 

_What else? The ocean eyed beauty whose hair is always dyed in chlorine!_

 

The brunet blinks, wondering if that’s meant to be a cue but nothing comes to mind. Confusion plagues his expression and his silence earns another long and heavy sigh.

 

_That didn’t help?_

 

“No,” he replies with a small shake of his head.

 

_I’ll think of something else for next time._

 

They part with the promise and Makoto slips quietly into his home. He heads into the kitchen while rolling up his sleeves only to find that the dishes have magically washed themselves.

 

* * *

 

When Haruka makes it back Thursday evening, he encounters Makoto outside the clinic, the clip board stuffed under his chin, his knees bent in a crouching position to meet the child’s gaze and his eyes welling up with tears. Haruka ends up standing by to watch just because it’s been a very long time since he’s seen Makoto so emotional.

 

“Tachibana-kun.”

 

Haruka can see that the brunet still flinches easily whenever someone approaches him with a stern and cold tone and it almost makes him chuckle. Instead, his gaze floats across to the lady wearing the semi-casual attire. He watches as she taps her heel while peering over the intern. The raven recognises her although she’s a lot older now. She’s not that much different but Haruka has never seen her interact with other interns before (probably because Iwatobi is small and rarely gets them) so he cannot give any concrete input—but she’s probably right.

 

“What good will it do if you’re crying in front of the children?”

 

She reprimands him with her arms crossed and her expression cold. It’s a tone that tells the raven it isn’t the first time this week. She means his position as a potential Veterinarian, not Makoto personally. Haruka sympathises. What is Makoto doing, indulging in child’s stories and sobbing over them? The raven is sure that it is not a part of the job description but it is precisely _Makoto_.

 

Makoto turns to her, tears spilling over, “But… he just told me—”

 

She clears her throat and interrupts, “They pick on you because you react like so. Why can’t you just reassure them that everything will be fine?”

 

And it is, because at that very moment, the little pet is walked out by the full fledged Veterinarian. Haruka assumes that whatever the little puppy has been sent in for hadn’t been all that serious, but Makoto is Makoto after all. He is slowly gaining what he has lost, although it’s not necessarily memories. Not yet, Haruka thinks and he feels hopeful because Makoto’s current personality is a good start.

 

“Thank you, sensei,” the child says with the puppy in his arms.

 

Makoto pats his head with a smile and tells the child and his puppy to take care. The full fledged Veterinarian lets out a hearty laugh when she sees the red and puffy eyes. She makes a short comment about Makoto before glancing around and accidentally meeting Haruka’s gaze. The raven returns the gaze with a short nod to acknowledge the Veterinarian’s existence.

 

“You’re free to go for today,” she says, “There’s not much left to do and it seems like your friend is waiting.”

 

The brunet actively looks around, surprising Haruka with an enormous smile when their eyes meet. At the same time, he looks like he’s about to cry again but he sounds so happy, it doesn’t feel like there’s much of a distance between them.

 

“Nanase-san!”

 

The raven returns the call with a nod and makes his way over. He greets the Veterinarian again and then the receptionist but they don’t stay to chat. Makoto asks him to wait for a moment as he goes to return the oversized white trench. The brunet returns quickly, tears dried and eyes seemingly better, probably remembering that Haruka has told him not to cry. That makes the raven’s heart jump a little but he temporarily buries all of the remaining hope. After all, he is still just ‘Nanase-san’.

 

“You’re back earlier than I expected,” Makoto says.

 

He nods, “I managed to sort things out quicker than I anticipated.”

 

Haruka’s step slow but he keeps going because he wants to get home and set his bag down. Makoto follows his pace, making random comments here and there. It doesn’t feel like there’s improvement, but he can tell that Makoto has been trying. In between the internship and his family, he has been working hard to retrieve his memories.

 

The brunet has picked up a lot of things while Haruka has been away. There were some books and a diary in his retrieved luggage and some old photos that have been kept well. Makoto puts the notes together easily and changes his mind about the water. With the way that Haruka’s eyes glow in every photo where there is water, he is sure that it’s more than just fondness.

 

“You like Monet, don’t you?” He says suddenly, “Especially of the _water_ lilies.”

 

It’s a self-educated guess from some of the information he has obtained over the week. But they’re the exact same words which leave Haruka stunned. Makoto has a tendency to repeat himself and Haruka wonders if he knows—but of course not, not in this state at least. However, the words have him on standby. As if his feet are stuck in cement, the raven remains unmoving until Makoto turns back upon noticing that they’re not longer walking side by side. He jogs back to stand in front of Haruka again, stills a head taller and grins.

 

“Am I right?”

 

Haruka catches the playful glint in Makoto’s eyes and refuses to give in. Taking a step to the side, he continues walking, a little faster than before so that his pace will catch up to his heart. Makoto tilts his head back around, staring at Haruka’s back profile, hoping to catch a positive response but the raven continues to walk in a perfectly straight and orderly manner.

 

“Nanase-san?” He calls out softly, “Hey… Nanase-san?”

 

“Stop fussing,” Haruka calls back before carefully slipping away when he spots the twins heading towards them.

 

He allows Makoto to take the hit and then takes a little detour with his bag held closely. When he stands at the top of the stairs, he knows that his plan has been successful because he can see that Makoto is occupied. As usual, the twins have easily managed to steal his attention away. Haruka has no complaints though. He needs some time to recover from that unexpected attack and on Saturday, he will extract his revenge.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Free!.  
> This story is also posted on fanfiction.net under the pen name MappingtheSoul.
> 
> I'm also sorry about many things about this chapter too... mainly because of how long it took... but please enjoy!

Makoto’s usually plain and empty room is now filled with bright colours. Each morning, he wakes to the scattered timeline on his walls. The brunet is slowly filling in the missing pieces but there are still empty blotches here and there. Despite his efforts, nothing concrete has come back. Makoto has just done some self help work and has set up the resources at hand to try and remind himself. It seems to be futile, but every time he sets his eyes on the timeline, he feels like there is something there that is tying him together.

 

The articles in his timeline range from old photographs to school reports, academic endeavours and the medals earned from the team victories. It helps to some extent, reminding him each morning that he wakes that he doesn’t remember, but it doesn’t actually trigger anything significant that he wants it to.

 

After scanning again this morning, Makoto sighs at the lack of progress and then heads off to the bathroom to complete his morning routine. When he exits, he grabs the large towel, folds it and then slips it into the bag that he will be taking with him. Zipping it up securely, Makoto carries it down the stairs and sets it aside as he enters the dining room.

 

When he reaches the dining table, there’s no breakfast to be seen and neither are the twins or his father. His mother is doing the dishes, an indication that breakfast has probably just finished. Makoto scratches his head gently but doesn’t voice any questions. He has a gut feeling that she will redirect himself elsewhere. Makoto waits as she turns off the tap and sets the last bowl onto the rack. She moves swiftly, to grab the bag that he has set down.

 

“Why don’t you pick Haru-kun up, as you’ve always done?” She suggests, “You can have breakfast with him while you’re at it.”

 

The proposal leaves the brunet flustered. “Eh… but I—”

 

“I already told him that you are coming,” she says informatively with a bright smile on her face, “I bumped into him at the grocery store yesterday.”

 

She doesn’t leave room for arguments as she shoves the bag into his embrace and then pushes him out the door. The cue that she gives, is vague and not helpful at all. However, he can only conclude that she means well in her actions. Even if he’s questioning this part of his routine now, it may do him well once he gets back on track with it.

 

Taking newly practiced steps up the stairs; Makoto finds that he turns almost naturally to Haruka’s home. He cannot tell how much of it is practiced from childhood but he doesn’t let it bother him. There is still plenty of time to think about that. Oddly enough, the idea of swimming finally sinks in and it easily steals his attention. Makoto wonders if he can actually do it. The photos and trophies just are there for display. The items are concrete but there’s nothing within him to tell him that he can actually do it.

 

Makoto heaves a sigh before he takes a step towards the door because he wants to keep his worries away from others. It is something that he is determined to deal with alone. When he presses the door bell, all that he hears is the echoing of it. There is no answer and the house is eerily quiet after the sound of bell fades. He waits a while but when the thoughts start to bother him, Makoto repeats his actions warily.

 

The bell echoes and fades once again. The brunet waits it out a little longer, believing that Haruka may be busy and will get back to him soon. However, the silence just keeps sinking in and the brunet ends up shuffles his feet repeatedly out of discomfort. Suddenly there are footsteps—surprisingly quick footsteps—that causes Makoto to panic internally. There really is no rush, though he had pressed the bell twice. He hopes that nothing is after him because he may just yelp loudly in broad daylight. He hopes he doesn’t, even if there is still an eerie feeling settling around him. The house is old but it’s not his first time there so—

 

“Makoto?”

 

The door slides open, like it isn’t even locked to begin with and Haruka scans the brunet’s face slowly. When the fear fades, Makoto manages to smiles, his expression soft and gentle. Haruka is still amazed to discover that the hope he holds in Makoto grows with each encounter despite the lack of development. There’s no way the current Makoto will just invite himself in. He heaves a sigh, thinking to himself that this is the expected outcome, but the burn still lingers.

 

“Come in,” Haruka invites while taking a side step to make room, “You haven’t eaten, right?”

 

Makoto nods. “No… not yet.”

 

Haruka makes a noncommittal sound and closes the door. All he has to serve is mackerel anyway. It’s a start to try and weave some memory back into the brunet. As Haruka leads the way into his home, he wonders how long it has been since they had last shared a meal.

 

_Will constantly feeding Makoto mackerel help?_

 

“Don’t worry,” Haruka says to ease the nerves, “Treat this like… your home, I guess.”

 

Makoto smiles, “Okay… thanks.”

 

The brunet pauses for a moment and wonders why the two words sound so awkward together. Perhaps it is the situation but it is too late to retract his words and it doesn’t seem like Haruka really cares. He makes no comments and only turns away from him to turn his attention back to the pan. Makoto jumps almost instantly at the sight.

 

“Aren’t you cold?” He almost squeaks—the sight of skin startling him.

 

“No,” replies the raven while turning the fish so that it doesn’t burn.

 

Makoto doesn’t comment on it. Somehow, he feels as if Haruka will retort with the comment about the weather warming up and that will leave him defeated. Besides, it seems normal to be wearing the swimsuit, given that they will be heading to the pool soon. Perhaps, Haruka is planning to save time by keeping his swimsuit on underneath all of his clothing. That said though, currently, his clothing is replaced with a simple apron.

 

“Let me help,” he offers and Haruka tells him that he can get the rice.

 

Makoto does as told and sets the bowls down onto the table. Haruka carries the plates of fish over and then the bowls of miso. He sets it down, takes some serviettes and then sets the chopsticks down on top. Makoto repeats the blessing after Haruka and then eats after him. It doesn’t feel quite right to be intruding but as his mother had said, Haruka had expected him.

 

The brunet compliments Haruka’s cooking and earns a nod. Both actions are genuine but it takes them nowhere. The awkward silence sits with them until breakfast is over. Makoto offers to clear the dishes, but Haruka brushes him off just so that he can play with the water. A chuckle escapes the brunet’s lips but he does as he is told.

 

While Haruka washes the dishes, Makoto walks back to the front entrance to pick up his shoes. He takes them with him and sets it down at the back entrance as Haruka has directed. Makoto notes that that door isn’t locked either, but he holds his silence as he returns to help dry the dishes. When Haruka is done, Makoto tells him that he’ll finish drying the dishes off, so that the raven can go and change. Personally, Makoto feels a little chilly and it’s probably best to avoid the potential cold. They don’t need any more sick people in their circle of friends after all.

 

Haruka returns quickly with his bag in hand and is ready to go. Makoto finishes off drying the last dish and then setting it onto the rack. He flashes a smile as he picks up his own bag and follows closely. As they approach the back door, he thinks he hears Haruka saying something. It’s a small voice, almost as if Haruka doesn’t want to be heard, but something must have snapped because the raven raises the volume.

 

“Next time,” he says, “You can just come through the back door.”

 

Makoto tilts his head, almost ready to refuse—

 

“Like you’ve always done.”

 

Makoto is surprised at that the phrase has come up again. But the brunet finds himself smiling and his soft chuckle, sets Haruka back on track. When the raven slips into his shoes and steps outside, Makoto follows closely and observes the new path. He counts his steps until they reach the front of the Nanase household because he already knows the steps that come after that.

 

They trace the steps together, back down the flight of stairs and then back on the straight path to the station. As it had been two days ago, Haruka walks on the side that’s closer to the ocean. His eyes still follow the waves that come crashing into shore. Makoto steals glances every now and then. The question sits on the tip of his tongue. When Haruka shifts and turns away from the water, it sinks. But suddenly, he blurts it out because he feels that they can still change their plans.

 

“Why didn’t you want to go to the ocean instead?” Makoto asks—remembering clearly that Haruka had been against going to the ocean though the weather is warmer now.

 

“No,” Haruka says instantly and then pauses, “There’s no need yet.”

 

Haruka thinks about the ocean and then Makoto. He knows that the two shouldn’t be mixed yet. Although Makoto may think that he’ll be okay, Haruka doesn’t. It is not a matter of trust. He is just worried. Over the years, Haruka has done his best to prevent the accident that happened during their training camp from repeating and he would like to keep it that way. Makoto’s current memory loss has already thrown him into a loop. Haruka can only be grateful that he hasn’t lost Makoto completely. Therefore he feels that there is no need to tempt fate.

 

“Next time,” Haruka adds softly, “The pool will do for today.”

 

They don’t mention the ocean again and Makoto is unsure of whether Haruka is more uncomfortable or whether he is. The nausea within him stops stirring when he doesn’t have to think about the ocean. Haruka seems perfectly content even when he is away from it because during the whole train trip, the raven keeps his eyes locked on something other than the line of water outside the window. Perhaps, it is a little bit of something within both of them.

 

They travel five stops and when it is time to get off, Haruka’s eyes follow every one of Makoto’s steps carefully. The brunet wonders briefly, if the people around him think that he is clumsy but he doesn’t voice it. The train leaving a blaring honk in its wake as it leaves. When they turn, Nagisa and Rei are greeting them. As always, the blonde is full of energy.

 

“Haru-chan!” Nagisa waves brightly, his feet barely touching the ground for more than a few seconds, “Mako-chan! Over here!”

 

The raven nods in acknowledgement as Makoto smiles and returns the energetic wave with a slightly weaker one. He knows that he just can’t compare to Nagisa, so all of his effort looks weak. It seems that way for Haruka too, as he doesn’t even try. A lot of his responses to the blonde are flat, though he does give in every now and then. However, Haruka is also quick to change, rarely defending anyone for long, as it can become troublesome.

 

“Let’s go,” Nagisa jumps excitedly when they finally meet.

 

Rei is the only one who greets them properly with a ‘good morning’. Haruka nods at that and Makoto returns the gesture and adds on to make conversation. Rei fills him in on how exasperating Nagisa has been over the week, nagging him constantly and doing a countdown while rewarding himself for waiting patiently. The imagery leaves the brunet chuckling.

 

“That sounds like a normal occurrence,” he smiles, “Aren’t you used to it?”

 

“It’s been a while since it’s been this extreme,” Rei sighs fondly, “But I suppose it has its perks.”

 

Rei means setting the mood and Makoto has no way of denying it. After all, despite the solemn expression, Haruka proceeds along and the feeling that settles around him seems to be one of content. They walk a little further and end up at the entrance of the pool. Children are gathered, easily detaching from their parents, eager to swim. It feels kind of like the air around Haruka, but Makoto makes no concrete conclusions. Haruka has not run off and is still standing somewhere close by.

 

The brunet takes initiatives to pay for them and isn’t even surprised anymore at his automatic actions. He has come to accept them as things that he does and that there needn’t be a reason for it. The others don’t make any reckless comments, except for Nagisa who gives Makoto a smile that conjures more than one thought, but for now, it doesn’t matter because Rei sighs.

 

Makoto frowns alongside him, “What’s wrong, Rei?”

 

“Oh, nothing,” Rei smiles as he straightens the frames of his glasses.

 

Rei fears Haruka’s habits. They are not exactly old but they are dangerous. Haruka steals a glance at the trio but make no effort to move. He stands his ground as the three of them head off to change. When they return, Makoto tilts his head at the raven despite receiving an explanation from Rei and Nagisa. Another moment of silence passes by before the two of them ease into the water while Makoto waits. The brunet’s efforts go to waste as Haruka is also waiting to see if the brunet is truly comfortable. Although this may not be the ocean, it may very well trigger something unpleasant.

 

“Nanase-san?”

 

Haruka blinks slow and steady.

 

Makoto continues, “You’re not swimming?”

 

Today, the water can wait. Haruka is certain that the water will not disappear or lose its essence.

 

“Are you worried about me?” Makoto speaks in a small voice, not proud of the fact that he is still worrying those around him.

 

It’s almost like mind-reading but it’s probably more guest work.

 

Haruka waits for the silence to grow awkward before he offers to rectify it with words of his own, “Are you waiting for me?”

 

“Well…”

 

Haruka strips before Makoto finishes his sentence. The brunet had panicked momentarily but then he remembers their morning and calms down when he realises that Haruka is well and fully prepared. Nagisa and Rei are waving at them and Haruka regards them with a plain glance before he turns back to Makoto and waits for him to walk.

 

Makoto takes initiative to get into the water first so that he doesn’t feel like he’s holding the raven back. Haruka waits a while longer anyway to make sure that there are no violent reactions. When Makoto smiles at him, he feels slightly more comfortable and dives right in. He hasn’t forgotten about his objective. Haruka just wants to ease Makoto’s worry. And besides, what’s the point if they’re fretting over each other and forgetting about the real reason that they have come?

 

Haruka swims one lap; his swimming is beautiful and captivating as always. The sight is refreshing and he is satisfied when he lifts his head from the water. As if nothing has changed, Makoto watches him with a warm and welcoming expression. Makoto looks as though he is watching something that is absolutely mesmerising—something beautiful and regret floods Haruka more than the pool ever will. It is momentary ache, but Haruka wonders if his priorities were ever right to begin with.

 

“Mako-chan!” Nagisa glides across, “It was beautiful wasn’t it?”

 

Makoto nods brightly, a jolly smile spreading across his face. The fascination is exactly the same as it had been when they were children. Rei smiles at the reaction; he remembers being just as captivated. Nagisa goes on to be his usual self, completely comfortable, in hopes of encouraging the memories. It looks like there’s nothing to fear anyway. Makoto is still Makoto and eventually, things will work out.

 

“Hm, your specialty is backstroke…” Nagisa says, “Think it’d be okay? Just to try…”

 

The explanation dies out as the blonde concludes that it’s best to have a practical approach. Makoto plays along although he feels fairly comfortable in the water. Occasionally, it is nice to be taken care of. Aside from that, the blonde looks extremely happy and there is no need to burst his bubble of joy. Makoto wants to see the smiles rather than the frowns so the situation is perfect as it is.

 

While the blonde is busy teaching, Rei swims over to Haruka to converse. They haven’t actually had the chance and he worries for the both of them. If Nagisa is concentrating on their ex-captain, Rei will try to do some talking with their former vice.

 

“Haruka-sempai?” Rei says, “Are you alright?”

 

“Fine,” replies the raven, eyes locked onto Makoto’s form.

 

It hasn’t changed, despite how long it’s been since the brunet last swam. Since Makoto retired from the swim club in university, Haruka has not seen him swim. Occasionally, when there had been a gap in his timetable, Makoto will come to watch Haruka swim but there is no more than that. Despite that, Makoto swims as if he’s never really quit. The form and the stroke are ingrained, but practice will put him in better shape. Haruka hates that these are the only types of memories are intact but he’s also grateful for the hope that it gives him.

 

“If we swim together,” Rei offers—because he knows that it’s saved Haruka once, “I’m sure it’ll work out.”

 

As usual, Haruka picks up on the hint relatively quickly. He remembers the year and the event. When his meaning was lost and his thoughts muddled, the Iwatobi team was the one that pulled him together. He knows that he can rely on them, but Makoto doesn’t. If three is a charm, they can definitely try to pull it off again. However, all he has to do now is watch Makoto carefully to make sure that nothing else goes wrong.

 

“Erm… sempai?” Rei calls, when the raven zones out.

 

Haruka turns and stares in silence until Rei gives in with a smile. The raven drifts off alone on the surface of the water when Rei is called. Rei takes great pride on the proposition that Nagisa has offered. For once, he will be able to teach, not that Makoto is in great need of it anyway. The brunet swims just fine. There is no fear and just pure joy. It is hard to tell from his swimming that he has lost his memories.

 

For the duration that they are there Haruka travels lightly and slowly upon the surface. Occasionally, Makoto will swim towards him and smile while asking if he is having fun. Haruka gives him an affirmative for the question every time. It’s not exactly fun, just pleasant and comfortable. It is the place that Haruka always wants to be and the place that he wants to share with Makoto—the one that wants to swim with him. But there is no need to differentiate it because he’s sure that the slumbering wish will eventually wake.

 

* * *

 

The amount of concern that plagues Makoto doesn’t change, it is just the reason that does. The moment that he sees Haruka stepping out of the pool’s shower with his hair still dripping wet, his eyes become downcast as he proceeds to reprimand the raven.

 

“You’ll catch a cold if you don’t dry off properly.”

 

The steps that he takes towards Haruka are almost automatic. He takes that towel that is draped over Haruka’s shoulders, places it over his head and starts to gently dry off the soaked raven hair. Now that he is standing this close and is actively staring, the words that his friend had left him finally sink in. The pair of blue eyes that Haruka possess stands out like ocean gems that have just been polished and his hair, though washed, still smells like a mix of shampoo and chlorine.

 

However, just because the relation is there, it doesn’t mean that it makes sense. Haruka seems to be the perfect fit, but the potential for others to fit the description still exists. Furthermore, Makoto still isn’t sure if the source of the information can be trusted. The brunet does wish that there is some truth in it, but the doubt is always there to mock him. He allows the thought to linger for a moment longer before he makes up his mind about asking Haruka directly. If it _is_ Haruka, then there is no better person to ask.

 

“Hey… um, Nanase-san?”

 

Haruka ends up nuzzling into the towel as he fixes his gaze onto Makoto’s, “Hm?”

 

Makoto flashes him a smile, still ruffling the strands of hair within the towel to dry them, “Um… before I lost my memories… did I—was there something that I said I had to tell you?”

 

Light flickers between the ocean marbles; a string of thoughts floats about but the voice is not heard. Haruka finds it difficult to clearly articulate himself because there are too many things that he can say. His lips part and close repeatedly until he finally decides.

 

“Makoto… did you—”

 

The door directly behind Makoto opens with a creak but Nagisa’s voice is loud and vibrant. Haruka doesn’t even catch what it is that the blonde says first. He only hears the whine that causes Makoto to chuckle. The brunet turns to speak, but his hands continue to ruffle Haruka’s hair just to make sure that it will dry completely.

 

“Okay, just give me a sec,” Makoto agrees.

 

Nagisa singsongs in excitement and then steals a seat on one of the wooden benches. The blonde kicks his feet back and forth like a child who is waiting with great anticipation. However, shortly after, Rei steps out of the shower clothed appropriately warm and his hair completely dry. He has heard everything that he needs. Rei sets his glasses on the bridge of his nose and stands proudly in front of the blonde.

 

“It is okay Makoto-sempai,” Rei offers, “I’ll do it so you don’t have to worry.”

 

“Eh…” Nagisa pouts at first but when Rei grabs the towel, he starts to whine. “No way! Mako-chan said he’d do it!”

 

“Makoto-sempai is busy!” Rei points at Haruka to reiterate his point, “What is it that you have against me, Nagisa-kun?”

 

“You’re picky!” Nagisa complains defiantly, “Haven’t I told you that before? I’ll be you’ll recommend a shampoo change just because—”

 

Nagisa squeaks as he jumps to his feet to avoid the towel that Rei tries to drape over his head. “Rei-chan!”

 

Haruka tilts his head to the side and shoots a glare that clearly tells the blonde that he must not run around on slippery surfaces. Nagisa attempts speed walking but Rei counters it just the same, while going on and on about how competent and efficient he is while using his own hair as an example. The change room is filled with Nagisa’s voice calling out their names, which continues to earn Makoto’s hearty laughter. The joy and laughter takes up the space and Haruka never gets around to asking.

 

* * *

 

The revenge of lunch does not work out too well. Although he questions Haruka’s diet, Makoto comes to accept it pretty easily. Rei supports Haruka’s arguments by reiterating old information, saying that it is a rather healthy meal. The brunet holds his silence after a chuckle as he digs into the meal. He had completely forgotten about lunch but was pleasantly surprised when Haruka stopped him from going to buy something to eat.

 

The brunet was flattered for a moment and then just thankful, when he saw the mackerel. It is cooked in the same manner as the mackerel this morning, but there are a few more side dishes to balance out the taste. Haruka hopes that flooding Makoto with the same meal over and over, to repeat their daily routine will help. And besides, this is only the start of his revenge—though he isn’t quite sure where he wants it to go. His intent may be malicious or it may not be. Haruka doesn’t want to hurt Makoto but he wants to encourage the memories.

 

Sometimes, when he is soaking in his bath, Haruka feels as if Makoto may hurt if he obtains those memories. But he has chosen to go through with it anyway by bringing back their university lifestyle to assist with the retrieval of memories. However, whenever Haruka thinks of all the negatives, he can only see himself as selfish.

 

“Haruka-sempai?” Rei nudges his feet under the table, “Are you alright?”

 

The raven lifts his head from the table and nods. He stops thinking and starts eating again. At the end of the meal, Makoto clamps his hands together and says his thanks. Something catches his attention as the brunet turns abruptly to Haruka and stares.

 

“What?” Haruka says blankly, shoving the last piece of fish into his mouth.

 

Makoto narrows his gaze to appear a little more intimidating, “What are you having for dinner?”

 

“Rice,” states the raven plainly.

 

“With?” Makoto prompts.

 

Haruka narrows his gaze in return because Makoto already knows, “Mackerel.”

 

Another moment of silence passes by before Nagisa says very seriously that it is normal. He ends up laughing despite his efforts. The reaction from Makoto is not entirely fresh, but it continues to sustain their hope. Besides they have definitely missed it—the sweet ex-captain who can worry about anything but also forgives almost everything.

 

“I’m worried about you,” Makoto murmurs, a frown on his lips, “Ran and Ren seem to miss you anyway, so you should come over to dinner more often, Nanase-san.”

 

Calmly, Haruka sets the chopsticks down but his heart still jumps within his chest. It seems that two meals of mackerel will not do. Instead of falling to Haruka’s revenge, the brunet continues to counter without knowing. The raven straightens out his posture and takes some time to answer.

 

“No,” he claims feeling his defeat despite what he is about to say, “You may come over for dinner though. You need more mackerel in your diet.”

 

Makoto chuckles but agrees nonetheless.

 

* * *

 

When the four of them plan a dessert outing a week later, Haruka makes a plan. But dessert is even worst when Nagisa cannot contain his laughter. The booming joy makes Rei jolt and then it all makes sense. When Rei receives the rare glare that’s reserved for insults at the water, he shoves the ice-cream into his mouth to stifle his laughter. Nagisa zips his lips together as well but it only lasts a short while before he turns away, laughing again, with his arms looped around his stomach and his voice muffled.

 

It is rather entertaining to have the reason to come light so many years after the fact.

 

Haruka’s brow twitches and he wonders if revenge against Makoto is even possible, because nothing is working. All Makoto does is smile. There are no signs to indicate that he is moved. And Haruka can’t even think of a backup plan right now. Although he doesn’t have any sort of practice, he doesn’t think that it the task is particularly hard. However, the twin popsicles remain in his hands, unbalanced and mocking him. He becomes a little more than upset at the turn of events, especially when the brunet gives him that warm chuckle.

 

“Ah…” Makoto muses.

 

Nagisa and Rei still haven’t stopped laughing completely. It’s rare for the raven to be so perplexed as to what he should be doing. They never thought that something as simple as twin popsicles will be a problem. Under normal circumstances, they know exactly what will happen but today, calls for a possible change so they watch carefully, while trying to not unbalance the atmosphere anymore with their laughter.

 

Haruka is still stuck in his dilemma with the twin popsicles in his hands. It is warm out and they are beginning to melt under his gaze but he still hasn’t been able to decide yet. The conflict isn’t just over which one he should take. Haruka is still sorely upset about his lack of skill in this area. It takes a while longer, but the raven finally speaks, hands still trembling.

 

“Makoto,” the raven says and then pauses, the issue still not solved in his mind.

 

The brunet waits, a wide eye smile gracing his features.

 

Haruka’s eyes dart between his hands again before he closes them and shoves the popsicle in his right hand towards Makoto, “You can have this one.”

 

Another soft and kind chuckle escapes Makoto’s throat. Haruka keeps his eyes shut and his lips sealed tightly so that he doesn’t change his mind. Allowing the grin to spread across his cheeks, Makoto reaches out for the one of the popsicles. He laughs once again as he presses the popsicle to Haruka’s lips. The raven had wanted to wait a while longer but the cold chill makes his eyes pop.

 

He glares quickly upon realising that Makoto had taken the bigger proportion of the twin popsicles and given it right back to him. The brunet quickly steals the other one away and pops it into his mouth so that Haruka cannot retaliate. Makoto has never seen someone so stressed over breaking twin popsicles before so he isn’t entirely sure if it is it meant to be entertaining or torturous.

 

It is kind of cute to see the struggle, but if it is causing this much distress, Makoto would like to find a quick fix. Today, Haruka has continuously made him feel warm and fuzzy inside so he would like to return the favour.

 

“Next time, I’ll split them,” Makoto offers, “Would that be better?”

 

Haruka glares at his popsicle. If he leaves it any longer, it will melt in the heat. The raven bites off a piece on the side that is supposed to be Makoto’s share and pouts. The cycle does not break. Makoto has always been the one to break their popsicles so in a very quiet voice, he agrees.

 

* * *

 

After an hour of basking in the sunlight, Haruka dozes off. He is still attempting his little revenge, but even now—several weeks after the fact—he hasn’t had any concrete success. Somehow, the brunet has managed to evade it or turn it back around. Haruka realises that that is the way that it has always been for them. On occasion, it feels pointless to try but there’s no reason to give up.

 

His chest rises and falls in a rhythmic beat as the sun sets. The warmth that has seeped into his clothes keeps him warm. When Makoto exits the clinic, a smile graces his features as the raven titles a little further to the side. From where he stands, the preconception he has been given invade his senses. He can smell the non-existent chlorine in the air, though he’s certain that all Haruka has done is soak in his own tub.

 

Makoto takes slow steps towards the raven and watches just for a moment longer. The rise and fall are consistent, indicating that there’s nothing to worry about. However, despite the warmth that lingers, it probably isn’t the best idea to sleep outside. Taking a step closer, Makoto reaches out and nudges Haruka’s shoulder gently.

 

“Nanase-san?”

 

He is extremely tempted to close the distance but without reason, he hesitates. Makoto realises that he struggles whenever Haruka is involved. Perhaps it is the raven’s lack of expression and confirmation or maybe it’s something internal that he has forgotten. The reason remains unclear but he can hear the thudding in his chest, urging him to do something or else his heart will not be able to withstand it. It almost seems as if Haruka is a stressor but at the same time, the only thing that will calm him.

 

“Na…”

 

Makoto pauses again and takes another moment to himself. Nagisa’s cheery complexion surfaces and floats around teasingly, ‘Haru-chan’ falling out of his lips easily and merrily. In his mind, it sounds familiar and comfortable but it is not his voice.

 

“H-Haru-chan?” The tone sounds odd, like the voice belongs to someone else. It is higher than he intends it, but that’s probably because he is not comfortable and the doubt that seeped in at the last second caused him to squeak. So he tries it a second time, letting instinct do the work, “Haru?”

 

The raven shifts a little and murmurs something indecipherable. Makoto trembles out of surprise and shock. His address is almost natural but the fear that Haruka may actually wake to that shakes up the foundation for his confidence. The brunet waits a moment longer to even out his breathing before he shakes Haruka again gently.

 

“You can’t sleep here,” he says gently and reverts back to using the honorific, “Nanase-san.”

 

It takes few more gentle nudges before Haruka shuffles again. This time, the action is more evident, an indicator that the sleepiness is wearing off.

 

“Makoto?” Haruka whispers, voice soft and sweet. Another second passes and he rubs his eyes and then again, “Have you finished for today, Makoto?”

 

A wide smile spreads across the brunet’s cheeks and he answers with a nod. Haruka reaches out to the hand that offers to help him stand and takes it with a very subtle smile on his lips. The warmth within Haruka’s palms spreads through Makoto’s body like fire, but it is soft and soothing, indicating safety and security.

 

Haruka looks at their intertwined fingers and tilts his head, “Makoto?”

 

Throughout the years, this is probably the longest they have held hands. It is not a problem but it isn’t quite comfortable either. Haruka simply feels conscious of the gentle grip that is keeping him grounded. Makoto though, is drifting on and off. It isn’t just Haruka’s hands that are warm. It is also the raven’s voice and the way that he calls out to him.

 

“Makoto.”

 

The brunet tilts his head and smiles broadly, “Hm?”

 

Haruka stares at him for a while, but is unable to say anything that comes to mind. It takes all of his will to keep his composure and turn away. Another attempt at leaving Makoto flustered backfires the moment Haruka’s cheeks become tinted with a hint of pink. Makoto, who notices, chooses not to let go. Instead he is able to make his mind. At the moment that Haruka fingers curl, he decides that he really does want to remember.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Free!.  
> This story is also posted on fanfiction.net under the pen name MappingtheSoul.

Although he declines, Haruka ends up coming over for dinner anyway. The twins personally escort Makoto up the stairs and then the three of them proceed to drag Haruka back down. The twins stand in between them, Ren on Haruka’s side as usual and Ran on Makoto’s to make sure that they’re all connected.

 

During the short walk, the twins give Haruka their undivided attention. They ask him all about Tokyo to compare because Makoto hasn’t been able to tell them much. The brunet gains from what the raven has to say too, so he doesn’t interrupt and just listens. For the first time in weeks, he picks up a new fact. They have been living together in Tokyo to save on expenses.

 

The piece of information sets his mind on a hunt for something. It is not memories, just something within him—it does not have to be concrete—a gut feeling will do. Makoto has noticed that those seem to serve him better than his own efforts. However, his thoughts remained jumbled and they reach home before he has the chance to say anything. The twins drag them inside and their shoes are scattered sloppily at the entrance.

 

“Otou-san! Okaa-san!” The twin singsong in tune, “We brought Haru-chan!”

 

“Good evening,” Haruka says.

 

Makoto’s father lowers the paper and smiles. His mother turns from the kitchen and gives a soft greeting. Haruka gives her a bow in return and sits down at the table as directed. He is never allowed to do anything in the kitchen at the Tachibana household. They treat him like a true guest or more like a son. They like to spoil him and that includes the twins.

 

Despite Makoto’s concern of Haruka’s diet, his mother makes mackerel and miso just because Haruka is coming over. However, he can rely also on her to make a variety of other dishes to balance it all out. Haruka eats well and so do the twins. That brings up Makoto’s appetite and he smiles throughout dinner. He also ends up taking another automatic reaction when the twins whine.

 

Haruka gives a little chuckle and very quietly he says, “You haven’t changed.”

 

Makoto feels relieved at that. He seems to be a good brother, sharing his food with the twins and earning approval makes him feel good about it. The mood for dinner is set from there onwards. They don’t talk about memories, or anything about retrieving it. It’s not like they’ve given up, but it’s a gloomy topic.

 

Ran and Ren end up engaging Haruka in endless conversation about all that they have to do at school. It mainly revolves around art and before Makoto knows it, the two of them are begging to see the raven’s work in person. When they bring it up, Makoto realises that he wants to see them as well—the arts magazine just aren’t good enough.

 

“I’ll show you guys some of my works in progress,” Haruka promises.

 

The twins cheer and suggest that Makoto have a look at them too. They settle on another date for dinner and Haruka promises to bring his folio over. Most of the works on canvases are too large to transport conveniently, so that is the best that he can do. The brunet flashes a smile and pats the twins on their heads as he passes by while transporting the dishes back into the kitchen.

 

Haruka makes an effort to get up to help but Makoto asks him to keep the twins company instead. He is determined to get the dishes done this time around. Besides that, Haruka seems to be enjoying himself with the twins anyway. He can stay a little longer and Makoto will make sure to walk him home later.

 

“I can do them,” his mother says, standing beside him, “Why don’t you go and talk to Haru-kun?”

 

“Don’t worry,” Makoto replies, “He seems to be enjoying himself with the twins—best not to steal their thunder.”

 

She chuckles next to him but doesn’t allow him to do the dishes alone. Like Makoto had done for Haruka previously, his mother stays around to help dry the dishes before setting them on the rack. They can hear the conversation anyway and to her, it’s not very different from what had usually occurred even when they were still in high school. Haruka still makes odd comments about water and the twins still laugh it off.

 

It’s almost like a childhood joy and Makoto can indulge in it too. The laughter in his home always makes him feel happy and safe. The security that it provides is something that he cannot explain but he hopes that they understand.

 

“I’m fine like this, you know,” Makoto confesses, “I don’t mean not retrieving my memories—I just mean… this, feels just right.”

 

He can see the smile from her side profile, “I know.”

 

* * *

 

After returning home from his short trip to Haruka’s, Makoto makes his way to each of the twins’ room to tuck them in. They demanded it before he left that when he comes home, he must come and say goodnight. He does as he promises. The brunet tucks Ren in first after receiving permission to enter.

 

He folds the covers securely and leaves a gentle kiss on his younger brother’s forehead. Ren returns the gesture with a kiss on his cheeks and then closes his eyes to induce sleep. Makoto sits around and twelve minutes later, Ren is sleeping soundlessly. He feels envious at how easily children find sleep, but at the same time, he is glad that the little ones are getting all the necessary rest.

 

Makoto then moves onto the next room. Ran’s door is decorated with letters and flowers, to draw out her name. He knocks at Ran’s door too and only enters when she tells him that he can. Ran is reading a book in her bed but as soon as she sees Makoto, she closes it and slips into the covers. The smile never leaves her face.

 

“Is that a book for school?” Makoto asks.

 

She nods.

 

From the page fold, he can tell that she’s nearly finished. The brunet tucks her in and then takes the book from her hand, “Shall I read the rest of it to you?”

 

Ran’s eyes light up and Makoto takes that as an affirmative. He flips to the right page and begins reading. Ran falls asleep just before he finishes but he hopes that she’ll sleep well. The brunet tucks her arms in, leaves a kiss on her forehead and exits. It’s been a while since he’s reading a young adult’s novel and it is surprisingly littered with complex themes. Makoto hopes that the text will be something that Ran will visit in the future and see in a different light since she seems to enjoy reading.

 

Makoto goes off to brush his teeth and change. He tosses the dirty clothing into the laundry basket and makes a mental note to get up early to wash them. For now, he’ll go to sleep so that he’ll have enough energy to go to work the next morning. The brunet turns off the lights and slips into his own covers. It takes a while, but eventually the darkness takes him away and allows him some sleep. As it was like yester day though, sleep doesn’t take him for long. Makoto ends up dreaming and about half way through he’s aware that he is doing so.

 

What seems like minutes later, he finds himself jerking from his bed and while panting. The majority the dream is surprisingly vivid, though the details that he wishes to see remains a blur. Now that he’s awake, he knows that he’ll slowly calm down. Even so, staying in bed isn’t helpful at all. Slipping back out of bed, Makoto turns the light on out of habit and then quickly turns it off.

 

He heads back downstairs and into the backyard where the pond is. He rolls the bottle containing the goldfishes’ food in hand as he makes his way through the back door. Makoto is quiet as can be. He doesn’t want to alarm the rest of his family and in that, has chosen not to talk to them about his frequent nightmares. For now, he holds hope in the fact that all nightmares will eventually go away.

 

Besides, looking at the goldfishes has a surprisingly calming effect. His parents tell him that he had named them as Haruka had suggested. Ran says that it’s cute and Ren gives no input on whether it is cute or not, he just says that it’s best that Makoto keeps Haruka away from Mackerel. Makoto can only agree after coming to learn about Haruka’s diet again.

 

Makoto finds himself smiling. The memory is missing but he finds the smile on his cheeks whenever he looks at them. Looking at the pond that his family had specifically gotten for him, Makoto feels loved. Ren tells him that they had decided on it after seeing how brightly Makoto had smiled at his gifts. Ran doesn’t say anything but she smiles woefully; probably trying her best not remind Makoto of his first pet fish but he makes a guess around that.

 

The Tachibana family has learnt from their past mistakes. They know now that to prolong the life of their goldfishes it’s best to keep the pets in a larger pool of water and the care they need to take would have to be doubled. This applies to all four of them so it’s definitely a chore, but they’ve managed it somehow and he appreciates it. After all, the goldfishes are the ones that keep him company once it’s way past bedtime.

 

Makoto has been waking frequently at night and has been unable to go back to bed right away. The nightmare keeps his thoughts running at top speed and the goldfishes are the only ones awake that are willing to help him calm down.

 

Tonight, the phone that Makoto has taken with him to keep track of the time vibrates in his pocket. The brunet raises a brow, wondering who it was calling at this time but he doesn’t bother checking. The action of picking up is automatic. The surprise plagues his face for a good thirty seconds after he decides to pick up the call.

 

“Nanase-san?” He says, “You haven’t gone to bed yet?”

 

_No._

 

Makoto wonders why and he doesn’t even have to voice it because Haruka tells him.

 

_I saw the lights in your room._

 

“Oh,” Makoto chuckles—Haruka has a pretty good view of the Tachibana household from his front garden. “I couldn’t sleep so I thought I’d go and play with Mackerel, Bonito, Tuna and Jackfish.”

 

Haruka makes an amused sound that Makoto cannot call a laugh but it is close enough. They converse idly for about fifteen minutes and that seems to help Makoto relax. He ends up leaving some food behind for the goldfishes and then heads back upstairs. Makoto turns on his lights and opens the window. He waves down at Haruka and tells him that he’ll be fine so they should just go to bed.

 

_Are you sure?_

 

“Yeah,” Makoto says, smile bright.

 

Haruka nods and they wave to hang up. Makoto waits for Haruka to disappear back into the house. Once the lights are off, he retreats and shuts his window tight so that the wind doesn’t blow all of his things away overnight. He is sure that Haruka is still watching so he turns off the lights immediately and settles down in his bed.

 

Makoto sleeps soundly after that but the next night he dreams again and then jerks to his wake. Haruka gives him a call to test waters and then the cycle repeats for the whole week.

 

* * *

 

Haruka stays over the next time and the twins are ecstatic. They put a lot of effort into replicating old times and Haruka feels the smile on his cheeks at the sense of nostalgia that takes over. Ren puts the game into the console and then proceeds to sit next to Haruka—he’s a little too big now to sit in the raven’s lap. Ran on the other hand strides over to Makoto with his reading glasses in hand and a smile on her lips.

 

As Makoto passes the controller over to Haruka, Ran slips Makoto’s glasses on for him. She has a smug grin on her face when he turns to her with a thank you on his lips. As always, her older brother is handsome in his glasses. Giggling, Ran steals a seat in Makoto’s lap and begins cheering. Makoto wraps his arm around to hold the controller and chuckles next to her ear. The familiar response from the brunet has Ran feeling motivated all of a sudden.

 

“Do your best, onii-chan!” Ran cheers.

 

Ren on the other hand, gives Haruka a silent look. They do the little silent exchange that leaves Makoto a little bewildered and without words. Haruka turns to him, confidence spread across his face and Ren does the same. Makoto wonders briefly if he’s actually terrible at this game but doesn’t ask the question. He understands that amateurs have the ability to stun regular players because they are unpredictable. He hopes that that is the case for himself, because Ran is doing her best to cheer for him.

 

Makoto wins the first two games with beginner’s luck. His losses are consistent after that. Ran still continues to cheer and Ren eventually gives in and consoles him as well. Makoto chuckles at their kind words because they are probably better at this game than he is. The twins know their limits now though. Before they fall asleep, Makoto catches their yawns, but they’re the ones that speak up and tell him that they will head off to bed now.

 

They nod obediently and shuffle to their feet. Ran leaves a peck on Makoto’s cheek and Ren on Haruka’s. The twins exchange sleepy glances and change the receiver of their affections. Haruka pats Ran’s head gently and offers to walk the twins to their rooms, but she shakes her head, the excuse on her lips being that they are old enough to take care of themselves now.

 

Makoto manages a dim smile. The twins have become even more independent since his full recovery. In fact, aside from whining for food at the dinner table, they rarely display childish behaviour. Instead, they’ve often taken turns in trying to take care of Makoto. Not wanting to let their efforts go to waste, Makoto stays seated and waves as they say goodnight from his bedroom door.

 

“Goodnight, onii-chan, Haru-chan,” they say and close the door lightly.

 

Makoto listens carefully for their footsteps. Once they fade, he turns back to the raven and smiles, suggesting that they head off to bed as well. It is getting late and they should probably sleep. He doesn’t know what is on Haruka’s agenda for tomorrow, so it’s best that they’re prepared rather than not.

 

“Okay,” the raven agrees.

 

The main reason that he is still here is to sleep—and to watch Makoto sleep. No matter how creepy that sounds, Haruka has no intentions of giving in this time. Whatever it is that Makoto is hiding from him, he will find out.

 

* * *

 

The brunet insists that Haruka sleeps on the bed. On the floor by his bedside, Makoto has the futon set out and he is already snugly tucked under the blanket. He is determined to stay there as he asks Haruka to turn off the lights on his way. The raven complies, only because the quicker he finds out, the more time he will have to think about it.

 

“Goodnight,” Makoto says, once Haruka’s knees sink into the bed.

 

Haruka hums in agreement. The night is quiet, aside from the occasional rustling of leaves and small splashes in the pond. Soon, those are quiet too and Makoto hones into Haruka’s breathing. Only when he is feels like the raven has drifted off does the brunet try to look for sleep. He isn’t certain of what type of sleeper Haruka is, but he hopes that Haruka is a deep sleeper.

 

He does not wish to wake his friend up in the middle of the night and ruin his sleeping cycle. Makoto thinks that he may as well stay up the whole night, but the low lightening in the room gives off a highly soporific effect.

 

He ends up falling asleep soon after he thinks that Haruka is. But his sleep is light. Makoto is aware of his sleep, almost as if he has instantly jumped into a lucid dream but he cannot really control what is happening. The brunet wants to wake from the dream but he cannot snap out of it. Instead, his footsteps follow the same pathways that lead him around Iwatobi. However, Makoto is not going anywhere but the platform that separates the land from the ocean.

 

The only thing that is clear is what’s directly in front of his line of sight. Everything else blurs in and out of focus. He deems it as less important but he cannot pinpoint what is important about what he can see. He assumes that it’s a memory and from where he is standing, Ishikawa-sensei’s words hit hard.

 

Makoto feels as if he doesn’t want to remember at all. He’s only ever gotten as far as that. The ocean is calm and the blazing sun is going into hiding as Makoto approaches. There’s no one else there at the moment but Makoto has seen people pass him by before. They’re all solemn and he wants to ask why but his voice is lost in the dream—not that they’re there to give him answers anyway. The brunet feels that it has only managed to confuse.

 

The fear that is floating around within him has become something that he has learnt to manage. Not completely, but he has come to terms with the fact that dreams cannot physically hurt him. He knows the dream backwards by now and in another five seconds, those children will appear. He catches the young raven’s profile only but then he is quickly swamped by a crowd of people walking by, decked out in white and dread.

 

The fear escalates for reasons unknown to him and Makoto stills. He always does when it comes to this part of his dream. The fear swells and causes discomfort but Makoto still hasn’t managed to wake. He always tries but to no avail. As if the dream doesn’t wish to leave him, Makoto is stuck within a trance. The people continue walking on endlessly until he can’t take it anymore. The panic that builds is what eventually wakes him up.

 

But tonight there is a small voice calling. Makoto wakes with a jerk when the shaking becomes frantic. His body is soaked in sweat again but that hardly matters. Haruka is hovering over him, eyes more concerned than he remembers ever seeing them and the frown seems as if it’s here to stay.

 

“What…” he says both unsure of where is he and because he wants to play everything off simply.

 

It’s a bad dream and nothing more.

 

“Makoto,” Haruka replies softly, “C’mon, up.”

 

Makoto’s breathing is haggard and the raven deems that he probably needs some water. Haruka sets Makoto’s back against the bed and tells him to breathe slowly. Once that steadies, the raven offers to go and get some water. He feels awkward strolling the halls of the Tachibana family alone and so late at night but he tells himself that it’s only one trip.

 

He returns with a full cup and wraps it into Makoto’s hands. The brunet gives in a weak smile before he sculls it down without any hesitation. The water washes away anything that’s clogged up within his throat but Makoto still has a hard time trying to find proper words to convey his thanks.

 

“What did you dream about?” Haruka asks, “It’s not the first time, is it?”

 

Usually the raven will leave matters that he knew Makoto did not wish to speak about alone, but it’s certainly not the first time this has happened so he has to know. The brunet twirls the cup within his hands and casts his eyes downwards. He will probably succumb and speak the truth if he looks at the raven in the eyes. Those gems that are polished with worry will trap him.

 

“Just a nightmare,” Makoto whispers in return, “It’s been a few times, but it’s really just a nightmare.”

 

“Makoto,” Haruka says steadily, “I’m here for you.”

 

He says nothing about trust, but Makoto feels like that’s close to what he is asking for anyway. The usual Haruka is direct, but perhaps he’s being considerate of Makoto. Haruka rarely yields, as Makoto has learnt but there are a few things that he will take a step back for. The brunet feels privileged to be one of them and after thinking about it, he feels like he should return the affection.

 

“There’s a platform,” he finally says, slow and hopefully steady, “Before the sea.”

 

Haruka hears the trembling but he makes no comment on it. It’s not what Makoto needs right now, that’s for sure. The raven allows Makoto to fiddle with the cup and he waits patiently. Makoto starts to look comfortable, the same expression he wore years ago on the training camp.

 

“I was there,” Makoto continues, “Alone—but not for long.”

 

Haruka says nothing but there is a little bit of internal panicking. That’s definitely a memory, though Makoto is still unsure of it. Haruka doesn’t push the question even though he wonders if there’s anything else that Makoto can see. That’s a terrible start to retrieving the missing memories. Haruka is sure that at this point, the dream is acting more as a deterrent.

 

“And there were children,” the brunet adds on, “I’m not sure if I know them though. It’s not clear—probably just an odd reoccurring dream.”

 

Haruka’s not even surprised anymore at the lack of his presence in Makoto’s memory. The hurt still lingers and it digs deeper but it’s nothing new. The brunet adds on as much detail as he can recall and Haruka listens, pretending to know nothing of the event. But of course he knows how traumatic it actually is—the conflict is in whether to bring it up or not. He ends choosing the latter for the time being. Guilt quickly knocks on Haruka’s door as he starts feeling like he is also choosing to keep Makoto’s memory away from him.

 

“Sorry,” Makoto ends up saying while ruffling his hair, “Didn’t make sense did I?”

 

“You made sense,” Haruka says, “How are you feeling?”

 

Better, Makoto guesses and he looks it as well. Haruka talks him into going back to sleep. He offers the bed for a better night’s sleep but Makoto insists on sleeping on the futon. The raven goes for the light and when he comes back, he nudges Makoto to make some space.

 

“Eh? Nana—”

 

“Shh,” Haruka chides gently, “Go to sleep.”

 

It’s a different approach from their daily phone call over the week, but Makoto appreciates it no less. It’s warmer now and the presence of Haruka has a calming effect. He keeps his eyes close and his ears on Haruka’s steady breathing. Soon after Makoto dozes off, but he doesn’t miss the index finger that intertwines with his to ensure him that he can sleep peacefully now.

 

* * *

 

Makoto finally finds that footpath in his dreams. It’s always been there, now that he knows where it is, but he has never noticed because he hasn’t really looked. From afar, the sea looks vast and the platform extremely small and thin. The brunet wonders how so many people can stand on such a small platform but as he draws closer, the concrete expands.

 

When he comes near, the same fear that dwells deep within him stirs. The feeling swirls and swirls, making him feel even worse and the question of whether or not is a dream only is easily answered. There’s no way that there’s all there is to it. It is reoccurring and it has more impact than Makoto deems necessary for a dream.

 

He’s certain that it may be a memory—probably not the best one, from the feelings that have gathered but it’s better than nothing. Makoto stands his ground to retrieve it. He has been searching and now that he has found it, it will be a waste if he does not try to recall his past. If this is meant to be the start, the rest will eventually come. If Makoto chooses to block this out, perhaps he will never remember and it is not something that he wants.

 

That smile that rarely sits on Haruka’s face—if he has seen it before, Makoto wants to remember.

 

However, before he can delve into it, something catches his hand. He yelps despite knowing the touch. It isn’t until the warmth of Haruka’s hand spread that his heart beat slowly calms. The grip is strong and the brunet is sure that Haruka can feel his pulse and the way that he winces, but that doesn’t encourage the raven to let go.

 

Instead, Haruka sets a pace for himself and begins to pull Makoto along. He’s not sure if he feels like it’s too soon or if it should never be revealed. His legs are moving on his own and all he can hear is the sound of his heart beat. His thoughts are muddled and he cannot be certain that his actions aren’t just for himself. Makoto certainly matters but that’s not all it is.

 

“Nanase-san?” Makoto questions gently.

 

He expects an answer but Haruka continues to pull him away. The raven doesn’t look back, no matter how many times Makoto calls out to him. Instead, he tightens his grip around the brunet’s wrist and continues to drag him. They need to go as far as possible—to a safer place.

 

Makoto presses the matter because he feels that he needs to know, “Nanase-san?”

 

Haruka continues to ignore him—there are only a few more steps before they’re off that footpath. He thinks that he can last a little longer. He can deal with the growing distance in Makoto’s voice for another moment and then he can just run. However, Makoto’s patience draws thin. It’s not the first time that Haruka has avoided him on the matter of memories. He is both irritated and annoyed as he wonders whether or not the people around him really want him to retrieve his memories.

 

“Haru,” he says firmly, knowing that it will grab the raven’s attention.

 

Haruka is left frozen by the syllables that spell out his name and the memories that come with it. But he knows that it’s different this time. There are layers to the reasons why Makoto is calling out to him like this.

 

Biting his lips together to keep quiet, Haruka begins to walk again. A few steps later, Makoto pulls his hand away. There are no answers either way. If the best method is to search for it himself, without hindrance, all Makoto has to do is go back. But before that, Makoto wants to try one last time—and at that moment he realises that he has placed hope and trust in Haruka.

 

Makoto steals a glance at the ocean while he can. That turns into a stare that draws out to be long and hard. He realises that the further he looks, the darker the colour of the sea is. That’s when something clicks. It’s probably been there all this time, the thought that there is something out there, deep, dangerous and waiting.

 

“Am I afraid of the ocean?” Makoto asks, eyes almost losing that beautiful green light as he looks at the ocean.

 

Haruka’s hand is still held mid-air, fingers slowly folding into a tight clench. He isn’t sure what hurts anymore but he’s certain that it’s probably not as bad as what Makoto is feeling. However, even if he knows all of that, the muddled emotions cloud everything.

 

“Are you?” Haruka returns the question.

 

There is a little bit of malice in it—almost like Haruka is fed up with waiting, but there is evidently fear as well. Ever since Makoto told Haruka that he dreams, the raven has been relatively unsettled. The way that Makoto trembles to a wake and is startled to open his eyes is not something that Haruka likes seeing and it shows. The raven never asks for the details, but he does ask how sleep has been. Makoto used to think that it’s a given, because they’re friends but this kind of reluctant behaviour is questionable.

 

Haruka’s expression goes back to blank. Whatever it is that he is feeling, he’s hiding them relatively well. “So, are you?”

 

Makoto parts his lips but ends up biting back down on them. Haruka shakes his head and the brunet doesn’t know what’s going through his mind but it’s probably best that Haruka is the one that’s leaving.

 

“I’ll—” the raven pauses, “Never mind. I’m sorry.”

 

Makoto watches the raven’s back fade. He doesn’t know what Haruka is sorry for. There is nothing that he knows. Nothing is concrete and everything is confusing once again. Dreams are dreams. Those vivid images are not yet memories.

 

* * *

 

Ran and Ren call dibs early on Friday morning, claiming that they will pick Makoto up after his shift ends. His parents break into a small laughter, earning a glare from the both of them, but they settle on it. There is a very small festival happening after five at the park nearby the clinic and the twins want to drag Makoto along. He agrees to set the mood for their morning.

 

He goes to work cheery, despite everything else. It’s been three days since he’s last seen Haruka and Makoto thinks he should apologise but hasn’t found the right timing to do so. The twins have asked about him but Makoto has only managed to smile without words. He’s come to learn that he hates lying to them. The feeling that it leaves him with isn’t just distaste. The guilt eats away at his conscious more easily than he thinks possible.

 

Makoto makes a rough mental plan in his mind as he heads off to work at the clinic. If he puts it off anymore, it’ll become extremely awkward. Once it hits that point, he may not be inclined to try. He has heard fallouts like that before and since he knows the possibilities of the outcome; he also knows that he should try to remedy things before it is too late.

 

He decides on it the moment he steps through the door to the clinic. The smile is brought back to his face and the Veterinarian and the receptionist greet that brightly. A smiling Makoto is best one to cheer the children up. They set him to work right away, giving him more practical tasks this time. Makoto is a quick learner and he’s adept at it.

 

The Veterinarian watches over him but she doesn’t really worry. He’s got all the social skills necessary and when there really isn’t that big of an issue, he has been able to calm both children and adults down. It makes the atmosphere in the clinic brighter. And to Makoto’s luck, he hasn’t had to deal with any seriously injured pets.

 

But he has caused trouble. One more than one occasion, the brunet has brought in numerous strays and abandoned animals. The animals adore him just the same, but they can’t be kept within the clinic. In the end, they’ve worked at it together to see that the strays are brought to a reliable animal shelter.

 

“No strays following you today?” She asks.

 

“No,” Makoto replies, “Feels like we’ve picked them all up.”

 

Laughter fills the clinic but the day’s work seems to pass by relatively slowly. The town is small and the numbers of pet owners are even smaller. They only have one visitor today and it’s just for a regular check up, which the Veterinarian decides that she’ll allow Makoto to handle alone. He takes care of it well, but does end up sighing nervously after the client leaves.

 

The Veterinarian laughs at him, “You’ll get used to it.”

 

Makoto supposes that she’s right, being the one with the experience. The past the rest of the day with minor works and both the Veterinarian and the receptionist share old stories that makes him smile. They’ve all made their own mistakes and they’ve regretted it, but they also know that it has made them who they are today. It feels helpful, in regards to his current mishap with Haruka as it strengthens his resolve to fix things.

 

At fifteen to five, the twins show up at the door. They knock politely and are warmly welcomed. They’re bright and somewhat manipulative, as they’ve managed to take Makoto away before his shift ends. He smiles apologetically at his collages, but they push him out of the door with the same laughter he’s heard all day.

 

“It’s okay. You can close up next time.”

 

“Thank you,” Makoto bows politely, “Please enjoy the rest of your evening.”

 

They tell him to do the same as the twins take his hands and drag him along. The twins chatter non-stop and the brunet forgets when he zones out, but at least he’s still managing to keep an eye on them. The festival passes him by in a flash too. Makoto is terrible at most of the games, but the twins don’t mind that he doesn’t win them anything. In fact, they’re the ones that give him the endless amount of water balloons that they’ve won to take home.

 

“Alright, it’s late,” he says when the moon shines brightest, “Time to head home.”

 

They have dinner out and their parents aren’t worried, he’s sure, because they’ve already agreed on it. But he really should get them home, even if the weekend is coming up. To his surprise, the twins don’t whine or drag him back to where all the festivities are. They comply easily and are just as happy as they were when the night first started.

 

“You’ll read to me again tonight, won’t you, onii-chan?” Ran asks.

 

Makoto nods and holds tightly onto their hands as they stand at the crossing. He’s sure that they’re careful, but children tend to move around recklessly without looking at their surroundings. Ren on his right is still, unlike Ran because he’s carefully holding onto the things he’s won from the festival. Ran jumps for joy when Makoto confirms the promise and her laugh his so cheery, Makoto almost misses the screeching.

 

But it is loud and blaring. He thinks he sees Haruka on the other side, but his vision blurs as the screeching invades his senses. He hears the crash as well and vaguely sees the two vehicles clashing. Screams fly up into the air as Makoto kneels over. His grip on the twins relaxes and the water balloons that Ren is holding onto pop as they hit the ground alongside him.

 

The screeching echoes repeatedly next to his hear and he can hear a mix of screams. It’s definitely his siblings calling out to him but there are others as well. The sky looks smoky all of a sudden and sirens begin to flare. His body feels like it’s rocking back and forth, completely unsteady and then the sky is white and bright. He’s on a bus that’s coming to an arupt halt. Another scream is directed at him.

 

_Onii-chan! Help me!_

 

Those eyes that look at him are desperate as tears fill them. Makoto reaches out to the child, just as desperate but he doesn’t manage to grab onto her. Instead, a larger hand, a warmer one catches his and shakes him.

 

“Makoto!”

 

Makoto blinks the tears in his eyes away but it’s no use. Haruka’s wobbling ocean gems send tears down on him anyway. They show both fear and exhaustion, but the raven refuses to give up. He continues to call out and nudge the brunet, but Makoto has no strength to move. The sounds that he hears are still distant but they ring repeatedly in his ears. Haruka is probably as desperate as that child but that thought does not register. Makoto blinks once and everything fades. The warmth is gone and so is Haruka.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Free!.  
> This story is also posted on fanfiction.net under the pen name MappingtheSoul.
> 
> So the notes for the final time, guys, I'm sorry for the long post. Shion's final chapter is the end. However, it's not exactly a happy one, so if you're looking for that, please wait for **Sunset on Misagazaki Shrine** instead. For those that wanted a neutral ending that was meant to be read after chapter two of Shion, I apologise. I had wanted to post all three of them together, but I realised that it's taking way too long and my laptop isn't being kind (it keeps dying). So if you want a happier or neutral ending, please wait around! They will be posted as a part of the series, so it shouldn't be too hard to find.

The first person he sees when he wakes is Ishikawa-sensei hovering over him. Makoto’s eyelids are slightly parted but the light seems to tire him out so he closes his eyes again, but not too tightly. The darkness that seeps in isn’t comforting. The doctor turns away from him and he can hear Ishikawa-sensei dismissing his visitors. The brunet isn’t sure what time it is, but the lighting in the room is somewhat brighter than night. He’s lost track of both time and event.

 

Ishikawa-sensei returns five minutes later and then lights in the room are dimmer. As if the doctor is reading him, he pulls a chair closer to Makoto’s bedside and sits down quietly. He knows that Makoto has questions but he chooses to wait, instead of pushing. Besides that, he’s got a little bit of time to sit around and help quell the trauma.

 

Eventually, the brunet does speak, but makes no effort to move into an upright position to be polite. He’s extremely tired and does not want to hurt himself should he pass out again. He supposes that it’s very early morning when the sun beings to shine through the window. It is not exactly a warm light but Makoto doesn’t really care so long as it isn’t darkness that’s closing in.

 

“I never asked,” he started, “But it was a bus, wasn’t it?”

 

“Yes it was,” Ishikawa-sensei replies, noting that the memories can currently be labelled as unclear.

 

There is a drawn out pause and only the soft breathing can be heard. The doctor cannot tell what is difficult but he knows better than to give useless input. Everyone has their own struggles with their memories and the difficulties differ for each person. Besides, he has thoughts of his own to process. They need to find some other methods to teach the brunet in dealing with his anxiety. Ishikawa-sensei is not very surprised that the breathing exercises that he had left the brunet with have failed to work. Sometimes, spontaneous recovery—if it even is that, in this case—can be overwhelming and excruciatingly painful.

 

“Were the _only_ causalities?”

 

The doctor lifts his head and looks at Makoto from his peripheral vision and he smiles as he notes that Makoto is doing the same. They are both putting each other under some kind of scrutiny. The brunet is searching for the truth or maybe a lie, Ishikawa-sensei doesn’t particularly care. Makoto’s truth is different from his and his take on it, will be different from what Ishikawa-sensei presents. So while he is on the job, he allows himself the amusement. Maybe Makoto is a little resentful too, seeing as his parents and his friends had not given him much detail into the traffic accident.

 

“That’s right,” Ishikawa-sensei confirms, but that’s _all_ that he says.

 

If Makoto truly wants to know, he will have to push. Ishikawa-sensei has a duty of care and he will not be purposefully negligent. The doctor does not need that kind of trouble and he supposes that the brunet doesn’t either. If Makoto is not willing and not ready to accept the information, the outcome could make matters even worse than they already are—he is avoiding visitors though he is fit enough to have them after all. It is hard to tell if the brunet is actually upset with his family for keeping the event sealed away, but the doctor is certain that there is an element of self blame on that Makoto has for letting the issue brush pass him.

 

“How many people were on the bus?” Makoto questions in a roundabout way. Ishikawa-sensei finds that amusing as well, “Have they all be discharged?”

 

“Including you, nine.” The doctor replies, an amused smile playing on his lips, “And I am currently sitting with you, aren’t I?”

 

The brunet seals his lips together tightly, knowing that he shouldn’t snap. The doctor looks as if he’s having fun in this conversation. However, the last time he had snapped, albeit briefly with Haruka, the guilt did not leave him alone. Makoto also knows that the doctor is just playing along with his game though. The brunet is not asking what he really wants to know—but then again, he’s not certain if that is memory either. He can only tell from the vague answers that he is right about the bus. The rest may just be imaginary, especially since the twins had been nearby earlier.

 

“You may want to rest,” the doctor advises, “I don’t think you’ll be able to avoid them tomorrow.”

 

“Sensei,” Makoto says, when he hears the doctor shuffling away, “There was a child on the bus wasn’t there?”

 

Ishikawa-sensei pauses and sits back down. The brunet’s voice is trembling, a mix of fear and anxiety running through the words. He can tell that the brunet feels loss, confused and perhaps, responsible as well. The doctor can settle Makoto’s feelings (or try to) with the truth but he cannot give any specific details away.

 

“About the twins age, yes,” he discloses the information, but that’s all. The rest is something that he is obliged to keep hidden. “Remember, there were no deaths. I believe that I’ve another appointment. I will come back and check on you after the sunrise.”

 

Ishikawa-sensei gets up immediately and pushes the chair back against the wall. He gives the brunet a questionable smile before turning away. The door slides open and then to a close, quietly. He stands by with a grin on his lips as he folds his arm and then prompts the raven to speak. Haruka’s brows are knotted in annoyance.

 

“I thought you’d left,” the doctor says.

 

The raven lifts his head slowly and shoots a glare at the doctor. He doesn’t like Ishikawa-sensei in the least. Haruka feels as if the man has objectives that aren’t a doctor’s alone. Ishikawa-sensei laughs as he takes a step forward. Haruka follows because he does not want to have any kind of conversation with the doctor directly in front of Makoto’s door. That’s not safe enough.

 

“I hope you haven’t said anything to upset him,” Haruka says, as politely as possible.

 

“If anything, Makoto upsets himself,” Ishikawa-sensei replies, “With the thoughts of his inability and limitations.”

 

Haruka almost reaches out to grab the doctor, but he realises that it is the truth. It makes it difficult to take his anger out on the older man when he presents the undeniable truth. Although the brunet has never said it, his worries about the things that he lacks are hidden behind his smile, but still, evident. Haruka scowls because as irritating as the doctor may be, he hasn’t done anything to warrant an attack yet. The doctor takes a turn back to his office to grab some folders.

 

“You may come back in the morning during visiting hours,” he informs, “And maybe, you’d like to answer his questions then. I’m sure he’d appreciate it more if it came from family and friends.”

 

Haruka is left standing alone in the white hall. The nurses and doctors pass by him without paying him any attention in their own urgency. After minutes and minutes of endless reflection, Haruka walks back to Makoto’s door, raises his hand once and then lowers it again. No one is looking and he’s never been one for following rules, but in the end, he takes a step backwards, then another and turns around.

 

Tomorrow may be better, Haruka thinks, since he’ll have time to think about it tonight. He feels like he is playing right into the doctor’s hands but he remembers the distant look in Makoto’s eyes when he had come running. It was like Makoto was never there to begin with and that is a scary thought that he does not want to directly revisit. It is very much different from the feeling that he had had during their training camp and once again, the raven does not know how to deal with it.

 

The past month or so have been relatively easy because Makoto has allowed Haruka to go at his own pace, despite the fact that it should have been the other way around. Perhaps he should have put in more effort to reverse it, Haruka thinks as he pockets his hands. The raven takes one final look at the silent door before he heads home. But home feels a little foreign when Haruka passes by the Tachibana household.

 

The usually lively house is quiet and all the lights are turned off. He hears the little splashes from the backyard but no one is there to tend to them tonight. Makoto has been spoiling them without his family’s knowledge. Haruka would carry on the little legacy if it weren’t deemed trespassing and besides, he does not even have any food with him. Lingering for just a moment, Haruka heads up the steps alone. To his surprise, the old practiced steps actually makes him feel _lonely_.

 

It is an odd feeling and sensation, Haruka thinks as he takes one step after another. Makoto isn’t there to tell him things to keep his mind occupied. The brunet isn’t there to slowly fall into his footsteps and smile brightly at it, every time it happens. The road is empty and quiet, and the strays that usually come out of hiding to greet them are nowhere to be seen.

 

The town is exceptionally quiet for one that has just had a festival. Haruka thinks that there ought to be some drunks—because there is always—roaming around, but instead it is eerily dark and quiet. There are no fusses and maybe that’s because everyone that is drunk is in hospital. Haruka curses them too, because a brunch of drunken men had walked across the street without looking and caused and accident. The van that had attempted to dodge them had launched itself into the nearest building and set it on fire.

 

Haruka thinks that Makoto shouldn’t have been in such a place but Iwatobi is such a small town, it is be hard to avoid all that goes on. He hopes that the twins aren’t blaming themselves because it is out of their control but that’s hypocrisy because he feels the guilt deep within himself.

 

The first time, Haruka had not been in reach but this time, it is different. He was standing there and his legs had barely moved, not until Makoto had fallen. Even as he reached, all that Haruka had been able to do was call out the brunet’s name. And it had been pretty much pointless anyway. The Makoto that usually responded to him had not done so. Haruka’s limbs tingle as if to tell him that he’ll feel it all the time, the way his arms had uselessly flailed at Makoto’s side without hope.

 

Haruka pauses on the steps again and looks back down. Usually, when he is here, Makoto will be coming, but it hasn’t been like that lately and tonight is no exception. The path is empty and dark, not lit but the bright smile and Makoto’s presence. It’s not scary but the thought that this road may never host Makoto’s smile again shakes the foundation that Haruka stands on. A momentary thought, a fleeting fear sets off all sorts of alarms for the rest of Haruka’s life. He wishes to run back down the flights of stairs and return to the waiting room but finds himself stuck in place. Rational thought gets the better of him. He knows that he is not welcomed to just linger in the hospital wing.

 

Furthermore, Makoto may not want to see him anyway. It will be heavy to spring all of the raven’s feelings on Makoto suddenly. It is a completely different situation anyway. It is not as simple as running out to sea to bring the brunet back. It seems like that is the only thing that Haruka is confident in, but it is not something that he wants to reoccur anyway. Once is more than enough for this lifetime.

 

And to top it off, they haven’t even managed to solve their last misunderstanding. There’s too much at stake to ruin just because of Haruka’s impulsive feelings, ones that he is refusing to let in because he still can’t quite understand it. Heaving a sigh once he has calmed, the raven drags his feet up the last few steps and into his home. He slips off his shoes at the entrance and stands for a moment as the mirage of Makoto leaning against the wall appears before him.

 

It takes him a while to move from there, but wherever he goes, there are traces of the brunet. What was once small and insignificant is now a large enough presence to be disturbing. It’s not Haruka’s first experience with the mirages, but today, the panic makes everything unsettling. They’re all fading rather than lingering and Makoto’s voice dies out instead of sounding vibrant.

 

Panicking, Haruka dashes to the bathroom and shuts the door. He runs a bath and jumps right in, sinking himself quickly and hoping that the water will sooth, but nothing of the sort happens. He can picture Makoto coming for him in uniform but it doesn’t happen today either. He knows nothing like that will happen and waiting will only leave him waking in a tub of cold water, but he stays anyway.

 

* * *

 

Makoto has another, unexpected visitor and this time, he’s certain that he doesn’t know this lady. She doesn’t look at him with judging eyes, as if trying to say that he should remember her. The brunet is grateful for that but is fearful at the same time. Even if she doesn’t look at him with expectations, she does scrutinise him carefully and that makes him worry just a tiny bit.

 

“Good morning,” she says.

 

He returns the gesture with a polite bow.

 

“I don’t mean to intrude, but I heard that you had been hospitalised again, so I…” she trails off and then returns with a different thought, “I did visit you before but you were still asleep so…”

 

“You mean directly after the accident?”

 

She nods, “I wanted to thank you afterwards but I figured that it was best to wait it out a little bit. I heard that your memory…”

 

“Thank me?” Makoto asks, tone high, showing that he’s confused, “Why would you—are you the child’s mother?”

 

There are finally answers and when it is being presented this easily, Makoto is eager to learn them. He is certain that they will settle him. After all, they will be bringing him closure and they will fill in the gaps that he is currently missing.

 

“Yes,” she says. “She told me that you had reached out to her despite your own condition. I just wanted to say thank you for that kind gesture. It has helped her greatly, knowing that you had risked your life to try and save hers.”

 

Makoto nods along dumbly, trying to understand everything that she is saying. The pieces fall together slowly and start to make sense. He is getting the hint that the child is on a good road to recovery. That is most certainly one of the best pieces of information that Makoto has picked up over the pass month. But if that’s the case, why had the doctor been so wishy washy in his answer?

 

“Please don’t look so confused,” she says when he is silent, “I hope that this information will be encouraging for you. I hope that you’ll see it as an act of bravery and that it will help you recover your memories.”

 

“Ah,” Makoto murmurs, “Thank you.”

 

He doesn’t know what else he can say. The memory is still vague and he can barely remember what had happened. All he knows is that he had failed to catch that hand and the child’s desperate voice still lingers. Even if she is okay now, he still thinks of how traumatising it must have been for her because he had failed to reach her. Makoto doesn’t remember what he was feeling at that moment but it doesn’t seem like it was fear.

 

“I’m sorry… are you—”

 

“I’m fine,” Makoto chokes out as smoothly as possible, “Thank you. Please don’t force yourself to stay if…”

 

She nods knowingly, like she’s reading him but there’s a worried expression on her face. He reassures her again that he will be fine—even if he feels like he will not be. He tells her that she may return to her daughter’s side because that is much more important. She gives another worried nod but leaves him quietly.

 

Makoto leans back against the bed and closes his eyes. He wishes that the image will go away but the more he tries to push it out, the more he seems to see. His psychology may be a little messed up but the memory isn’t triggering the response that he expects to have. And it’s stressing him more than he’d like it to—the incompetence that he feels; the lack of ability and the possibility that he may not be able to do anything for others when they are in desperate need of it makes his heart twists in knots. Makoto can hear his heart thudding irregularly in his chest and the breathing exercises which he has been encouraged to practice are not working in his favour.

 

They have before—he’s had minor moments of it but not today. Not when he feels like there’s something wrong with everything around him. Not when he feels like he’s the problem and there’s no solution for him. The heart monitor next to him gets louder and faster and that just makes everything worse. Makoto isn’t sure how much time passes by before someone comes to calm him down. He knows that there’s a button that he can press but his hands are stuck on his shirt instead, desperately hoping for more air.

 

“Tachibana-kun,” the nurse says, patting his back, “It’s alright. It’ll be okay.”

 

He grabs onto her hand and clenches tightly. She returns the gesture to assure him that she’s not going anywhere and eventually, Makoto’s breathing evens out. The hand that holds onto him is solid and proof that he isn’t going anywhere. It warms up but that’s not what Makoto is concentrating on. He just needs to know where he is and where he stands. It takes fifteen minutes before he manages to let go and apologies to the kind nurse.

 

“I’m sorry…” he says, searching for her name tag, “Miwa-san.”

 

She nods and reaches over to press the button for the doctor again. “It’s alright. I’m here.”

 

Makoto stares at her, following carefully when she moves about. She offers him water but even when he’s drinking, Makoto keeps his gaze on her. He doesn’t know why, he just doesn’t want to be in this room by himself. The nurse smiles at him and starts to speak.

 

“How is the hospital food?” She’s a little awkward but it’s a start. “I’ve never heard young ones like you praise the food.”

 

“Ah,” Makoto forces a smile, “It’s not like home I guess.”

 

Miwa nods slowly in acknowledgement and is saved from conversing when Ishikawa-sensei steps through the door. She waltzes over quickly and explains the situation to which Ishikawa-sensei nods silently. The doctor gives her some instructions and dismisses her. She turns back to Makoto and gives him a warm smile.

 

“If you need anything later, don’t hesitate to call us.”

 

Makoto nods softly. “Ah, yes. Thank you.”

 

Ishikawa-sensei pulls a chair to his side after refilling the cup of water and leaving it on the desk by Makoto’s side. The brunet eyes it momentarily and then returns his gaze to the doctor. All the questions pile up again and he doesn’t know where to start. Makoto isn’t sure if he wants to know about the others or himself at this point. He just wants everything to be better.

 

“Am I…” he pauses, “Will I…”

 

“Let’s start by telling me what happened.” Ishikawa-sensei frowns; the violent reaction wasn’t something that he had expected to happen like this. He knows that there is a possibility but—

 

“A visitor,” Makoto confesses, “The child’s mother.”

 

“Ah…”

 

Ishikawa-sensei just makes a sound to respond. He doesn’t ask about the details, certain that that is bound to set something off and it’ll go wrong—not that it hasn’t. He’s not too happy about the turn out but there’s nothing that he can do to change the encounter. Surely the woman had good intentions. It is just bad timing and Makoto’s response is not as he had hoped—or as she had hoped. Makoto reaches over for the cup and drowns it down in five seconds. His throat is drying up as he breathes, slow and steady—but it’s not reflective of how he is really feeling.

 

“Inhale, exhale,” Ishikawa-sensei instructs, “Slowly. Count your breaths.”

 

While Makoto does as instructed, Ishikawa-sensei is trying to find a way to relay the information. It’d have been best to have the family and friends here first. They’re the ones that stabilise Makoto’s life and seeing them first can make all the difference. There is currently not enough support and Ishikawa-sensei as an outsider cannot provide Makoto with what he truly needs.

 

“How about some air?” Ishikawa-sensei suggests. “Let’s go for a walk.”

 

He knows that Makoto is about to think again and that’s not good. The mind already wanders thirty percent of the time, however, with nothing to do but reflecting on what he feels is guilt, it’ll be worst. Eventually, Makoto nods in acceptance and shuffles off the bed so that they may go. Ishikawa-sensei turns to lead the way but keeps his steps within close distance.

 

Once outside, they exchange few words about the weather and the colour of the sky. They stay away from the topics of health and Makoto’s step slowly falls in line with the doctor’s. It’s nice to be around people, even if they are not closely related, because human presence is extremely distracting. There’s just no time to think when one is thinking about their presentation in front of others. It’s a defence mechanism and in Makoto’s case, it’s not just protecting image.

 

Their walk lasts fifteen minutes before Makoto’s family shows up. They see him through the window of the building and wave. Ishikawa-sensei walks him back inside and settles him back down on the bed. The twins gather around him and keep him occupied while the doctor debriefs the situation again. It’s not all that much different; they just need to know about the attack that Makoto has had.

 

“I believe it is best not to push his memories,” Ishikawa-sensei explains gently, “It was a very violent reaction.”

 

They nod quietly, expression still.

 

“It is important for him to accept it slowly.” The doctor adds, “His guilt is quiet deep.”

 

The couple exchange glances and deep frowns. When they return, they don’t talk about memories. They don’t talk about anything but his health and his internship. They assure him that his co-workers have been informed. This time his mother doesn’t cry and for Makoto, that’s a great relief.

 

* * *

 

Nagisa calls early in the morning and Haruka barely makes it out of the bath to catch the phone. It’s his home phone anyway—because he’s already missed the call on his mobile. His voice croaks as he answers and Nagisa jumps onto him right away.

 

_You’re sick aren’t you, Haru-chan?_

 

He doesn’t even have time to deny it because Nagisa shoots his mouth off loudly. Haruka has to pull the phone away from his ear to ensure that his hearing stays intact. The raven sneezes once and peels the soaked shirt from his body. He had forgotten when he had fallen asleep last night.

 

_Don’t even say you’re not. Remember the last time you said you were fine? Stay right where you are Haru-chan. I’m going to come over, okay?_

“But Makoto—”

 

_I heard. We’ll go visit him together, so don’t go anywhere. Stay right at home._

 

Haruka listens to the beeping and then sets the phone down slowly. He feels extremely drained and could do with the nap. If Nagisa is saying so, he can probably believe it. Later, when he opens his eyes to the knocking of the door, Haruka drags himself off the floor and goes to open the door. He thinks that he may still be half asleep when he sees Rei standing there instead.

 

“Haruka-sempai,” Rei says, frowning. “You look horrible.”

 

“Where’s Nagisa?” Haruka croaks and attempts to find the blonde behind Rei.

 

“Inside now,” Rei ignores and ushers the raven in. “Quickly. You’ll get worst if you’re inviting air inside.”

 

Haruka almost stumbles and Rei frowns, but he guides the raven gently by his wrist. His condition is terrible as Rei had claimed before and Rei is glad that he’s the one that’s here instead of Nagisa. Although Nagisa is a great friend, his loud voice probably won’t help with Haruka’s condition.

 

“Nagisa-kun will be visiting Makoto-sempai on our behalf,” Rei says, pushing Haruka towards the futon. “Please worry about yourself first.”

 

Haruka’s face contorts with a little bit of annoyance and anguish. Makoto probably has questions, as Ishikawa-sensei had said but he probably cannot leave with Rei watching him like a hawk. Retreating into the blanket, Haruka closes his eyes and thinks of Makoto and wonders if he’s okay. It probably shows on his face because Rei sighs deeply and speaks up to reassure him.

 

“Makoto-sempai will be okay,” Rei says.

 

He has professionals looking after him after all.

 

Rei leaves the room temporarily to warm up the rice porridge that he has made and returns to force it down Haruka’s throat. After that, he cleans up after himself and sits at the far corner of the raven’s room while reading through a book. Every now and then, he will look up from his book to make sure that the raven is okay, but Rei is meticulous. There’s no chance to run and soon, the quiet induces sleep.

 

* * *

 

Makoto is surprised to see Nagisa without Rei or Haruka. The blonde beams during the whole visit though and leaves no room for questions. Upon his entry to the room, he claims that Rei is currently occupied and Haruka is a little bit under the weather. Nagisa doesn’t say how bad it is though (not that he knows, Rei has not yet messaged him). Besides, when Haruka is sick, it is a big deal. The raven has always pushed the issue out of mind and it is not until he collapses, that he allows others to take care of him.

 

“Mako-chan.”

 

“Hm?”

 

“A-are you okay?” Nagisa questions quietly, “I…”

 

“I’m okay,” Makoto says, shifting, “No physical injuries.”

 

Nagisa nods in acknowledgement and comes closer, sitting on the edge of Makoto’s bed instead of the chair nearby. He smiles brightly, peering deeply into Makoto’s green marbled eyes but doesn’t say much. When he parts his lips again, the seriousness of his actions is gone.

 

“Looks like you’re still eating well,” he claims casually.

 

Makoto laughs, the sound echoes. “Yeah, it’s not too bad.”

 

“Better than three meals of mackerel a day, isn’t it?”

 

The brunet chuckles at that. That’s okay as well, seeing as he as grown used to it (again) and Haruka doesn’t seem to have any problems, health wise as well. He does however, feel a little lonely without Haruka and Rei around but doesn’t say. That’s exactly like denouncing the importance of Nagisa’s presence, the one who is here right now. Makoto is incapable for doing something like that and feels more conscious of it now more than ever.

 

Makoto replies gently at everything that Nagisa says. Sometimes, the smaller blonde draws a long laughter and everything else fades. It makes him feel light and airy, but only momentarily. When Nagisa leaves, the laughter goes with him and the twins are the ones that stay behind. They seat themselves on Makoto’s bed and tell him to read. That is only distracting until they fall asleep in his arms.

 

* * *

 

Haruka visits him only twice the next week. The raven is extremely quiet as he sits with Makoto. He fiddles with his fingers and his eyes dart around, never meeting Makoto’s gaze for long. They are awkward in their speech and Makoto cannot bring the apology up because he doesn’t want to potentially upset Haruka again (though he probably should to clear the air anyway).

 

“Are you sure you should be out and not in bed?” Makoto asks, concerned.

 

“Ah… yeah,” Haruka says in return slowly.

 

Nagisa is probably the one that had passed on the message. However, even with the knowledge, everything else feels completely out of place and Makoto doesn’t know what to say. He thinks about their misunderstanding again but the apology for what happened at the beach is stuck in his throat and Haruka is not saying much either (probably because he feels guilty). That makes two of them, leaving the guilt in the air unresolved and growing heavier by the minute.

 

“Ah… have you… the plans to return for the semester.” Makoto croaks out rather incoherently.

 

“Yeah,” Haruka says.

 

He explains little about what he is planning for the last semester and returns the question politely. He isn’t sure if Makoto has an answer but it seems that he has been looking into it as well. The brunet’s plan is simple and exactly the same as it had been when he had first left Tokyo. There is not much that he wants to change anyway, having near the end of his degree and is doing well in his internship.

 

They’ll welcome him back with open arms and in contrast, Haruka has many places that he can go. That is where they are different and right now, home is probably the only place that Makoto wants to be. However, Makoto doesn’t say that outright, he avoids it gently, because he still hasn’t decided on anything. There are things that he’ll have to do after he is discharged again before he can say where he will go.

 

“But Iwatobi is home, isn’t it?” Makoto smiles gently as his eyes crinkle to hide the beautiful green gems.

 

Haruka nods slowly after some self debate. “Yeah, we’ll always come back here, won’t we?”

 

Makoto beams at that and Haruka feels the butterflies settling. If anything, Iwatobi is the place that he’ll always find Makoto. It’s reassuring enough at this point that Haruka will never completely lose sight of the brunet.

 

* * *

 

Makoto finds the little child, practicing her rehabilitation exercises outside and her mother is lending a supportive hand. It’s his day of discharge and the twins are walking by his side, again, determined once again, to keep their brother safe. His father is tagging along quietly so that he does not steal the twins’ thunder. Makoto steals one last glance at the child and her mother before he moves on. She is smiling but it looks like it’s painful and difficult. Makoto almost sinks but the twins’ gentle voices cradle him home.

 

“Onii-chan…”

 

Makoto turns back, smiles. “Coming.”

 

The brunet links his hands with the twins again and they’re extra careful as they walk this time. Half way home, they run into his mother whom is carrying the groceries. Makoto almost rushes over, but the twins beat him to it. They grab what they can carry and walk besides their mother, leaving Makoto with his father.

 

The man who is as passive as Makoto is, when it comes to confrontation, walks beside his son slowly. The smile that Makoto is currently wearing is enough for him and he doesn’t want to lose that—though it’s all possible given the recent occurrence of events. The two of them watch their family members with warm smiles as they trail behind like snails. When they reach home, Makoto halts at the little stone and his father places a reassuring hand on his shoulder. The brunet looks up and meets his father’s gaze through the glasses and smiles back. He nods knowingly and then leaves Makoto alone as he ushers the twins inside.

 

Makoto can read the concern and then the approval for whatever it is that he is planning to do. He feels a little unsettled but also knows that it is his responsibility and ultimately his choice. The decisions that he makes will affect his life more than theirs. At this point, Makoto isn’t even sure of what he is supposed to be deciding, but there are a whole bunch of life questions floating around.

 

Before he heads inside to join his mother in making dinner, Makoto kneels before the stone and clasp his hands together. He says a few words mentally as an offering and lingers as his thoughts float around endlessly. They run one from train of thought to another and Makoto cannot pinpoint where his worries lie. His last thought is on Haruka. Beautiful Haruka with soft and silky raven looks, ocean gem eyes and a passion for swimming. The warmth that comes with thinking of Haruka stirs up all sorts of emotions but Makoto is still unable to figure it out. They run on colours and on taste but they never stop. It lingers lightly on pink cotton candy before he is called and all is dispelled.

 

* * *

 

The next two weeks pass by in peaceful silence. Makoto works diligently to fix the extra mess that he had added to his internship and Haruka stays out of view, but close enough to be on watch. The gap grows because Makoto does not have enough time to pursue the issue and Haruka’s careful distance.

 

He still sees Haruka on occasion and although it is different from the first time Makoto had woken up. Haruka still converses with him and they walk each other home often. Occasionally, he’ll look at Haruka’s shadow and feel sad and then guilty. The thing that he had wanted to say, escapes him every time and because Haruka never brings it up, it becomes the norm to dismiss it. The pink cotton candy taste fades, easily, turning pale and paler until its white and the sugary taste is ground to dust. Before he knows it, Makoto doesn’t remember the feeling of it either.

 

If he cannot remember, perhaps it isn’t all that important. The path of thinking that goes down probably isn’t helpful but it is damn tempting. It’s safe after all. And it doesn’t seem to be hurting anyone, not Makoto and not Haruka. And so, the two of them go on like that, speaking less about feelings and even less about memories. But of course they care, quietly, softly, in a way that it doesn’t hurt.

 

* * *

 

The Tachibana family does not allow Makoto or Haruka to take the bus to the station. Instead, the brunet’s father calls in late and personally drives the two, since they’ll be carrying luggage back. The man, with a little bit more strength than his wife, sends them off, because although worried, he knows that they need to return to finish the year.

 

The whole ride is more awkward than Haruka can say—but he doesn’t anyway, so no one really tries to solve it. The Tachibana family see them off at the station, waving brightly and helping the luggage onto the train. They are desperately praying for no trouble, but they cannot stop Makoto from going back to finish his degree.

 

Makoto stands by the window as the train takes off and continues to wave until his parents and the twins have run away from view. Haruka stands by his side too, silently, waiting until he is ready to move towards their seats. It is a small and quiet concern that Makoto repays with by smiling warmly.

 

Halfway through their trip, Makoto brings out the packed lunchboxes to share with Haruka. That is the only time that they converse briefly on their ride back. Makoto obtains some old information about their living arrangements and the rest of the trip ends with Makoto nodding off. Haruka doesn’t wake him until they arrive and even then, he is gentle about it, so that he doesn’t startle the brunet into another attack.

 

* * *

 

In Tokyo, everything is different. They find things to talk about but they have also gotten good at avoiding the issue. Makoto does not want to upset Haruka with the things that he may say and Haruka has stopped actively wishing for the memories to return. After all, they look like they can only work to do more damage.

 

Sometimes they walk the same path and exchange minor talks of their day. Others, they spend crossing paths without meeting. The fear is too deeply engraved onto Haruka’s soul and as always, Makoto does not probe into the issues that the raven does not wish to talk about. It passes daily as endurance and then it’s a normal thing.

 

They live until it is normal to be the way that they are. They function well with and then without each other. It is not a necessity; not when Makoto is fine without his memories. Haruka learns to deal with it, telling himself that it is something that he has always told the brunet that he wanted. It makes the process easier, because Makoto is finally giving Haruka the space that he wants—intentional or not.

 

* * *

 

“I’m _not_ broken.”

 

Makoto had raised his voice and then everything was silent. His words seem to echo distantly and then rebound on the walls to come back to slap Haruka violently. The raven is completely frozen, mouth still agape in his reply, but the words come out soundless. None of his actions had meant to draw out this kind of reaction from Makoto. The brunet is not broken and Haruka has never thought so, but perhaps he had been a little too careful in his handling.

 

“I…”

 

Haruka shuts his mouth again in fear that anymore words will destroy the thin line that he is standing on. The raven has been and still is, treading very carefully, but he is still overstepping the lines. It is difficult, when he doesn’t understand and even harder, when Makoto closes off on him.

 

“Sorry,” Makoto mutters his apology first, “I didn’t mean to snap at you. I just—”

 

“Frustrated,” Haruka says. “I’m… the same. I’m sorry.”

 

Makoto nods very slowly in return, the guilt of his tone from before evident in his expression. The frown is deep and grows heavier by each second that passes. The raven fiddles with his fingers as Makoto lowers his gaze and bites his lips before coming to a conclusion that they both need some space—Makoto probably needs it more than Haruka at this point.

 

“I’ll just… I’ll be at the studio,” he announces and slips away when Makoto nods.

 

Haruka shoves books into his bag and then sets off for the rest of the day. The studio at university has all the supplies that he needs but if he cannot bring himself to paint, then he will try to read. Haruka slips out of the door quietly, as Makoto cleans up the dishes in the kitchen. They have a soft goodbye that is barely heard, but the raven moves on so that he is out of sight. He catches the tremble in Makoto’s movement but cannot bring himself to go back. As of late, all of the raven’s concern has come off deep and it seems to make itself more as a burden than anything else.

 

Therefore, Haruka continues on his way quietly, to give them both more breathing spaces. If he stays, they’ll have another fight because of his concern and Makoto’s sudden perception that he’s seen to be broken. The two of them go on with the same thought processes for the rest of the day, but their phones remain silent. The fear is too great and so Haruka ends up sleeping in the corner of the studio while Makoto waits up.

 

* * *

 

Graduation dawns upon them sooner than Haruka expects it to and all the fears come crashing down on him, like it had when he had first about Makoto’s condition. Iwatobi’s importance surfaces and grazes Haruka harshly. Even if the brunet had decided to study away from home, Iwatobi is the place that he will always return to. Even without the memories, there is an internal attachment. Haruka can tell because he has one to the small town as well.

 

Makoto hasn’t smiled the smile that lights up a whole room, in a long time, so when he does, Haruka’s mood is lifted. Momentarily.

 

“I was offered a place back at home,” Makoto says, speaking of his internship workplace.

 

Haruka’s hands flinches and he gives up reaching for the cup of water.

 

“I heard that you were offered placement as well. You’ve been granted your own studio, haven’t you?”

 

Underneath the table, Haruka clenches his fists together and answers quietly. The answer is yes, but he hasn’t actually agreed to anything yet. He wonders how Makoto knows but rumours on campus tend to move relatively fast, whether they hold any kind of truth or not.

 

“That’s great,” Makoto exclaims, genuinely happy for his friend. “Are you looking forward to it?”

 

Haruka almost nods along dumbly because of Makoto’s smile. But he stops himself and shakes his head gently to tell the brunet that he is still unsure. The brunet follows the raven in his frown and mimics his expression to bring small laughter to their table.

 

“Well, you still have some time to think about it.” Makoto says soothingly.

 

Haruka nods and bites back on all of the things that he wants to say. Iwatobi is home to the both of them and Haruka will eventually return to that place. However, what worries him is the gap that will widen even more. It is already out of his control, but without being there to moderate it, they will probably end up losing.

 

* * *

 

They have been so busy, Haruka loses track of time. The Tachibana family have decided to come to celebrate and attend the ceremony with them. When Haruka hears, he does a very quick last minute clean up of the small apartment. They will not be able to sleep in the small apartment but it needs to be presentable for their visit at least. Makoto laughs as Haruka trips over the set of books that he had just stacked and was planning to put under the bed.

 

“Sorry,” Makoto says with a stifled laughter and an offering hand, “C’mon.”

 

Haruka grimaces, but grabs onto the firm hand and gets to his feet. Clicking his tongue in annoyance, the raven mutters a small word of thanks as he fixes the stack again and then pushes underneath his bed quickly to avoid another fall. The brunet chuckles as he proceeds to move the artwork to another place to make room for their guests. It looks a lot clean by the time they’re done moving things and shifting their furniture around. Haruka is mildly satisfied but then remembers that they are out of tea to serve. Heaving another exhausted sigh, he kindly asks Makoto finish off their dishes as he makes a quick run to the store.

 

“I can do it…” Makoto offers gently.

 

“No, it’s alright,” Haruka declines, “You should be here to greet them.”

 

The raven pockets his wallet and makes a quick run for it, taking it as a chance to get some exercise done while he is at it. He jogs into the convenience store and slows down to find the matcha green tea and then jogs on spot as he stands by the counter. The lazy store clerk scans his item, mutters a price and gives him his change in a slow manner. Haruka waits patiently, a little thankful for the time away from their apartment. He has room to breathe for now and will, have some time to fix a new silence for when he returns.

 

The raven needs to be careful around Makoto’s family. It is important that he doesn’t create problems for them during their stay or worry them, with his interactions with Makoto. After all, neither party wants any more damage to be done.

 

“Have a nice day,” the clerk mutters unenthusiastically.

 

“Yeah.” Haruka mutters back even though he is fairly certain that nice means staying on the safe side of things.

 

* * *

 

Everything gets buried under lively conversations. The twins occupy a lot of Makoto’s time, demanding that he take them to all the different places that he knows of because it is their very first time in Tokyo. He complies while his parents drift in and out.

 

Haruka is busy with the last minute preparations. Everything that he has done is going up on display in the gallery and there isn’t ever enough time to work on it, with the ceremony around the corner. They work as they have been for months and the worry slips Haruka’s mind as Makoto’s attachment to his family and his siblings grow with every second that he spends with them.

 

And unfortunately, Haruka forgets that if there’s anything other than the ocean that can completely take Makoto away from him, it is the twins.

 

* * *

 

Haruka seems to be the only one that’s surprised. Makoto apologises profusely.

 

“Did I forget to inform you?” He says, apologetically.

 

Haruka’s flabbergasted expression answers him more than words ever will. Perhaps he had and it had slipped the raven’s mind. Neither of them knows. They barely exchange words about topics of conflict anymore. It is too hard to fix things until perfection and perfection no longer holds any value for them. Makoto and Haruka have lived the past long months by flowing with the current.

 

“I…”

 

Haruka looks around himself and finds all of Makoto’s things lying around. It means that their apartment is empty. If he had not passed by and caught the brunet and his family at the station he would have completely missed Makoto’s departure. Despite everything become completely calm and innocent, Haruka’s panic clouds all of his judgement. He doesn’t hurl himself at Makoto violently, but instead, he steps slowly towards the brunet and grabs onto his shoulders, eyes misty and hands trembling with a weak grip.

 

“Didn’t you say that you wanted to swim with me?” Haruka asks, voice splitting, “That it has to be me and no one else?”

 

Makoto looks completely lost as if the raven is spitting nonsense and Haruka regrets his sudden outburst immediately. The raven hopes that he hasn’t triggered another unwanted memory and waits in anguish as Makoto takes a step away from him for personal space. Makoto breaks out of Haruka’s grip and rubs his shoulder free of the pain and offers a half-smile. He still looks more apologetic and Haruka’s guts churn as if to mock him for being the cruel one.

 

“I’m sorry,” Makoto apologises sadly.

 

Haruka parts his lips to ask Makoto to stop with the apologies but the words stick to his throat like honey. Even if he says that, nothing is going to change. Makoto’s words do not equate to memories and no matter how he tries, Makoto will not be able to say that which he had said that he had needed to. Too much time has passed and the words have simply slipped them by. It is hard to bring it back and with the same amount of weight.

 

To this day, Haruka cannot be certain of Makoto’s words but he is sure that it is heavy. He remembers the way that Makoto’s lashes had fluttered, how he had fidgeted and rubbed his hands together to dry the sweat and how, his feet remained glued as if he did not want to leave. But here they are again at the same station. Makoto is standing with his family, completely ready and willing to turn away. And this time, Makoto has nothing to say.

 

Haruka parts his lips several times but his thought is always cut off by something. The words that he wants to say jab him the ribs and it makes everything hurt. He already knows that he cannot change anything at this point. They are too far gone, with luggage and family all ready to go.

 

“But…” the brunet says hopefully, “If you come back to Iwatobi, we can always go swimming.”

 

Haruka’s emotions are a mess deep within him and he cannot bring up a coherent enough response to that. He wants to scream but the honey seems to keep finding its way down his throat. Ran and Ren are standing nearby, looking hopeful and Makoto’s parents are just the same. Haruka does not know how to say and do the things that he wants to without upsetting them.

 

“Na—Haru?”

 

Makoto smiles warmly and Haruka likes the way that the brunet is now willing to address him like had always had, but also hates the distance that he closes. Over time, Haruka has come to realised that it is not closing up enough. There’s always a line between them and although thin, it is strong and evident.

 

“Makoto…” he says slowly. “You… I… want to swim with you.”

 

He pauses. Makoto blinks.

 

“Always.” He repeats, voice desperate as it breaks, “Always.”

 

Something breaks in Makoto’s features and his body twitches in panic. Haruka barely has any time to analyse the reaction carefully as the twins’ voices reach them. Makoto’s attention is drawn away and he chuckles lightly as he turns to find them trying to hurl his things onto the train. He lets out a small laugh and excuses himself politely from Haruka’s side. The raven is grateful for the break in their conversation. Makoto had looked like he was going to become a mess right then and there because of his simple words. Haruka does not want a repeat of his break down.

 

“Haru-kun?” Makoto’s other calls gently. “Are you alright?”

 

He looks at her hopelessly and she frowns as she pats his shoulders.

 

“He’ll be alright,” she assures him. “We’ll look after him. And you can always come to check up on him, right?”

 

The raven nods and Makoto returns after fixing the luggage onto the train. His mother pats him on the shoulders and leaves them again. This time, there are no twins to drag Makoto away and Haruka isn’t sure if he feels grateful for that. There is a clenching on his heart that tightens as the seconds pass by and it is definitely not a good thing.

 

“You can call me if you need anything.” Makoto offers, though he knows that the raven barely uses his phone.

 

Haruka frowns but agrees so that he does not add to Makoto’s worry. Even if he looks content to finally be going home, there’s the twitching in his features that show that he’s uncomfortable with leaving Haruka behind. There are things that he is worrying about. It is mainly diets and colds from staying too long on the bathtub. However, Haruka has often said that he does not need to concern himself with that and so Makoto barely articulates it anymore, in fear that it will strain their current relationship even more.

 

“And come _home_ ,” Makoto adds with sincerity, “We’ll definitely go swimming. I can’t imagine swimming without you.”

 

Haruka lifts his gaze and steals a glance at the green gems that aren’t clouded by fear or doubt. Maybe Makoto doesn’t remember but his words are genuine. Ever since Makoto lost his memories, he hasn’t gone swimming without Haruka. They’ve gone with Nagisa and Rei but since their return to Tokyo, Makoto has accompanied Haruka to the pool on a fairly regular basis. That is a great difference from the time before the accident, when Makoto had often been too busy to join him in the water.

 

“Y-yeah,” Haruka murmurs in return.

 

The brunet finally cracks a smile. “Then, I’ll be waiting.”

 

Haruka stares at Makoto, long and hard enough to burn a hole, but the promise keeps him smiling genuinely. It is like a promise to start again. It is an offer to start from scratch at the place that they had grown up, without restraint, without fears and the deep, complex, heavy memories. It takes a long time for Haruka to process everything in his mind but he thinks that maybe it is good enough that he remembers. After all, there is still time for them.

 

“Yeah,” Haruka agrees, more confidently this time, a small smile on his cheeks. “I’ll definitely come.”

 

 _Home_ , is omitted from that but the tone that underlines his words show. Makoto’s expression becomes brighter, eyes crinkling as he widens the smile. Even if the memories are gone, they both know that it will be home when Haruka returns to Makoto.

 

_Fin._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for sticking around with Shion. The response to the story has been overwhelming! The story ends here, because I wanted a progression from one point to another for Haruka and Makoto. If you're waiting around for Sunset on Misagazaki Shrine or Reaching You, they'll probably end up being more satisfying, but I hoped you enjoyed the whole thing altogether and I apologise in advance for the delay that it will take to bring the other two chapters to you.

**Author's Note:**

> Shion is a flower that means "remembrance" or "I won't forget you."  
> 


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